Democracy defeats mathematics

A READER picks me up for using the phrase "the soon-to-be-published Chilcot Report." I was, of course, using the word "soon" in the geological sense.

GREECE is the cradle not only of democracy but also of mathematics. And who could have guessed that the birthplace of Pythagorus, Euclid and Archimedes would one day use its democracy to elect a government committed to the view that two plus two no longer equals four?

AFTER my low and vulgar snigger at the legislation known as the Bishopric Act a few days back, a reader challenges me: "Come on then, Peter, give us a new word to replace Bishopric." I'm not going to rise to that.

THEY say versatility is an actor's greatest gift. Ryan Sampson clearly has it in spades. The 29-year-old Yorkshireman played Grumio, the malodorous thicko slave in the Ancient Rome comedy Plebs (ITV2). He now appears in the suffragette spoof Up the Women (BBC4) as the bright, effete, perfectly-mannered Edwardian gentleman, Thomas. Worlds apart.

IF at first you don't succeed. I have just watched Mulholland Drive for the third time. Still haven't a clue what's going on.

THE plan to scrap dozens of generals' jobs to cut the Army's top brass down to size inevitably sparks the old debate on the Royal Navy which is also top-heavy. But it is hard to compare the number of admirals (40) with the number of warships because there seem to be dozens of ways of defining a warship. The smallest figure is a paltry 19 but the RN insists the real figure is 77. However, in order to reach the total of 77, they include a rather old ship which, largely for sentimental reasons, is still on the navy's strength. HMS Victory.

TEN minutes before writing this I was strolling across the park and, seeing a small huddle, followed one of my three golden rules of mooching and joined it. Four people were peeping intently at a branch overhanging a stream. "Kingfisher," whispered the bloke next to me. "Better than Winterwatch, this is." And there, no more than 15 feet away, was a kingfisher, bold as brass and smart as a guardsman, watching us as we watched it. According to bird books, kingfishers are supposed to be shy but this one obviously hadn't read them. For fully five minutes it kept its perch until it sped off, so bright against the brown stream that its colour seemed to hang in the air like a long, shimmering scarf of electric-blue silk. Much better than Winterwatch.

MY three golden rules of mooching? Glad you asked. Always join small huddles but never crowds. Always give buskers cash because I busked once and it's a hard way to make money. Always say hello to Staffies because nobody else ever does and both they and their owners are always grateful.

AN apology on behalf of the Western media. In recent years we may have created the impression that Saudi Arabia was a backward nation founded on religious mania, ruled by a succession of despots from the same family, and home to a justice system fit for the 14th century. Now, we recognise that the late and much-respected King Abdullah was a thoroughly good bloke, a great reformer and moderniser who was eager to improve liberty and personal freedom for all, even to the extent of allowing women to drive cars. Steady on.

IF the Saudi ban on women motorists is lifted, females in the kingdom will be able to drive themselves to see public beheadings. Progress, indeed.