Taxing the old folk

WAFFLING ever onwards, the panel on Any Questions (Radio 4) took 15 long-winded minutes to answer the question: What can be done to prevent a Charlie Hebdo-style attack in Britain? We all know the honest answer is, nothing.

AFTER complaints about the absence of black faces in the Oscars and about able-bodied actors playing disabled characters, a reader predicts the time will come when the only politically-correct production of Swan Lake will be one starring trained swans.

REPAIRING the fences after the latest gales, it struck me that wooden fence panels must be built of the cheapest materials and designed to fall to pieces at the first big blow, in order to sell more panels in the future. I have found better staples holding comics together.

WHY is tax deducted at source from these new pensioner bonds which are selling like hot cakes? Possibly because the Government knows it's the only way to get the money out of some old people. It was reported at the weekend that thousands of folk with two or more pensions are claiming their personal tax-free allowance on each pension, instead of only once. The result is that some pensioners may soon get big bills from the taxman. Well, serve 'em right. We may like to assume it's entirely the fault of the wicked HM Revenue and Customs and the pensioners are all frail and confused. I don't buy that. If you are getting big private pensions it suggests you were in a responsible job and are of mature years. Anyone getting £30,000-a-year from three pensions and paying only £500 income tax, must know they're not paying their fair share. The taxman will catch you one day. He always does.

LORD Tariq Ahmad , one of Britain's highest-profile Muslims, was yesterday allowed to get away with the assertion that: "Faith groups are a force for good in this country." So tell us, your lordship, in what way is it a good thing for a nation to have separate communities, each believing that they are the chosen ones of God and all the others are heretics, kuffir or infidels?

THIS made me smile. It's a quote from the manufacturer of a new speed camera designed to enforce 20mph limits in town centres: "The real aim is not to catch and fine speeders but to stop them doing it in the first place." Does anyone believe that? If everybody obeyed the 20mph limit, it would be lowered to 10mph.

AND off to the big store to buy a new frying pan. We settled on super non-stick ceramic pan for a shade under thirty quid, which strikes me as a hell of a lot of money for a frying pan. But then this is a special, super non-stick pan. As he took the payment, the bloke on the till warned us to season the pan properly with hot oil. And avoid olive oil; he found sunflower much better. And never use any abrasives to clean it. And never use metal kitchen utensils. And never, ever put the hot pan under water as that would crack the surface. And don't get it too hot. And don't be surprised if egg sticks because egg sticks to everything, dunnit? Sure enough, we got the super, special, non-stick pan home and every damn thing sticks to it.

THE joy of eBay. This, from a garage's online advert for a second-hand car: " When you turn the ignition on, the windows go down, so this will need attention. Apart from that it's all good." Apart from that?