That was the year, that was

JANUARY: The anger in Kiev turns to agony with the first deaths in the latest riots. How bizarre it is that half of the population of Ukraine is dying to join the EU while half the population of Britain wants to get out.

FEBRUARY: 40 religious leaders condemn government welfare policy and the numbers relying on food banks. It is a puzzle of this cheerfully godless age of ours that we still pay attention to people whose only claim to authority is being far more superstitious than the rest of us.

MARCH: what has the multi-millionaire global superstar Tony Bennett in common with Fungi, the alcoholic loser in Benefits Street (C4)? At the start of yet another tour this week, 87-year-old Bennett explained how much he loved performing and added: "I have never worked a day in my life." Fungi said exactly the same.

APRIL: Tony Blair says politicians should be prepared to start wars – even if the people are against it. This is breath-taking stuff. If a government goes to war when the people are against it, in whose name are you dropping those bombs?

MAY: When it was announced that a new film was to be made of Dad's Army, there was much gnashing of teeth from those who believe the sheer brilliance of Dad's Army cannot be replicated. Last weekend' s repeat The Two and a Half Fathers (BBC2) was badly conceived, badly written., badly acted and painfully embarrassing. Some of the 80 episodes were wonderful. And some were awful.

JUNE: The exchange of Taliban prisoners for an American soldier reveals the reality behind the West's much-vaunted claim that we never negotiate with terrorists. The truth is that we never, ever negotiate with terrorists under any circumstances. Unless we can.

JULY: Wasn't it pitiful, hearing the independence tendency on Any Questions (Radio 4) trying to convince Scots that if they voted to leave the UK, Whitehall would carry on awarding Royal Navy contracts to shipyards in Scotland? Can you really see any English politician campaigning under the banner "British jobs for Scottish workers"?

AUGUST: I have just bought one of the 888,246 ceramic poppies planted at the Tower of London to mark the centenary of the First World War. I urge you to do the same before they are snapped up by the spivs.

SEPTEMBER: Irritated by the expression "as useless as a chocolate teapot," boffins at Nestle have created one which lasted long enough to brew a cuppa. Well done, all. Now, what about the ashtray for a motorcycle?

OCTOBER: Have you noticed how the various armies in Iraq or Syria never capture a dull, unimportant or insignificant place? Is there a single town in the region that is not key, landmark, crucial, holy or of strategic importance?

NOVEMBER: I may be a little out of touch with cinema etiquette. Since when has sitting in an auditorium among strangers and stuffing your face with a big, greasy, smelly hot dog been acceptable behaviour?

DECEMBER: From A Christmas Carol, published in 1843, Ebenezer Scrooge offers his thoughts on the Chancellor's 2014 autumn statement: "What's Christmas time for you but a time for paying bills without money?"