Why not a black Bond?

SO that's the General Election settled. It is reported that David Cameron wants to make foxhunting legal again. It is political suicide and if Cameron doesn't get that, then he's clearly so out of touch with ordinary people that he no longer deserves to be in Downing Street. I can't think of any other policy which would have Ed Miliband and Masters of Foxhounds simultaneously jumping for joy.

SO the butler and the housekeeper are going to get married? Big deal. I still say the Downton Xmas special should have featured the double-hanging of Mr and Mrs Bates.

A COUPLE of recent court rulings in favour of people who claimed to have been sacked for being overweight, suggest the law may soon classify obesity as a disability. This has been described as "utterly ridiculous" by Boris Johnson and denounced by pundits and columnists everywhere as a charter for the fat and feckless. But think again. If obesity is a disability it is a godsend for the NHS. It will be unique in medical history because we know exactly what causes it and exactly how to cure it - with 100 per cent success. All it takes is a few months on about 1,200 calories a day and behold, you will be leaner, fitter and likely to live much longer. You might even be cured of diabetes. True, you might need the discipline that only an institution can provide. But then if obesity is a disability, what's a brief spell of residential supervision if it saves you from an early death? It may become illegal to sack someone for being grossly overweight. But what about sacking someone who refuses to take the cure?

SONY Pictures are said to be seriously considering Idris Elba as the next James Bond. And why not? Unlike most recent Bonds, Elba is built like a prizefighter. As the TV detective Luther, he could barely walk through a door without his shoulders pulling the frame off the wall. He'd be the sort of 007 who could actually soak up the punishment meted out by the usual array of thugs. And if he's black (a problem for some critics), so what? If we want to be picky, Bond is supposed to be half-Scottish and half-Swiss yet he's been played by a succession of frightfully-pukka Englishmen. If M can be a woman, 007 can be black.

DOOMED laws of our time. The Serious Crime Bill, working its way through Parliament, will contain measures to protect people from the "coercive and controlling behaviour" of bullying partners. This will cover emotional and mental cruelty, including denying a partner friendships, hobbies, access to money and monitoring their phone calls. I dare say many of us are aware of couples who live in such cruel and one-sided relationships where one wretched, downtrodden partner is effectively controlled by the other. But for any law to work it needs someone to complain. And the first act of any pathological controller is to convince their partner that they, the victim, are to blame.

SICKNESS stalks Chateau Rhodes. Thankfully, we have the latest diagnostic gizmo, a digital thermometer. The front of the package declares: "One unit serves entire family." On the back it reads: "Can be used orally, rectally and under the armpit." Tell you what. Let's have one each . . .

IT'S a virus thing. It could last ages. You'll be chesty and then nauseous. When you think it's over, it probably isn't. Take fluids and paracetamol. There, that's saved you a trip to your GP.