Hot dogs in the dark

AH, the joy of the changing seasons. How many of us have just put on the anorak or overcoat we haven't worn since last February, and found a fiver in the pocket? If they turned every British citizen upside-down at the end of winter and shook 'em, we'd clear the deficit in no time.

THE BBC has tracked down footage of what it calls "the world's first bungee jump." It took place at the Clifton Suspension Bridge in Bristol on April 1, 1979, and very scary it looks, too. Technically, it probably was the first bungee jump. Yet nearly 20 years earlier, in April 1960, the Beeb screened David Attenborough's documentary, The Land Divers of Pentecost, which showed young men on a South Pacific island proving their courage by leaping from wooden platforms with vines tied to their ankles. As a point of honour, the older men adjusted the vines to ensure their heads hit the ground. I can still hear the thump.

JUST been to see Mr Turner. It's like watching paint dry.

ACTUALLY, that's a cheap shot. Mike Leigh's new film starring Tim Spall as the painter J M W Turner, is about 20 minutes too long and, like so many movies, doesn't quite seem to know how to end. But it is beautifully filmed, the dialogue, dress, manners and intimacy are exquisitely Victorian and Spall is, of course, magnificent. The scene where the ageing, grunting artist sees one of Nelson's proud old ships being towed off to the breaker's yard and is inspired to paint The Fighting Temeraire is a perfect cinema moment.

I MAY be a little out of touch with cinema etiquette. Since when has sitting in an auditorium among strangers and stuffing your face with a big, greasy, smelly hot dog been acceptable behaviour?

ONE of Auntie Beeb's finest was trying to explain yesterday how a piffling £1.1billion fine, imposed by the Financial Conduct Authority on five banks (which will end up being paid by shareholders and customers) is any sort of punishment for dodgy business practices. He solemnly stressed the importance of "reputational damage" to the banks. Now, what reputation would that be?

A READER tells me she has experience of being contacted by firms after receiving NHS treatment. Like me, she suspects some NHS staff supply personal information to private companies. It's a sacking offence but nobody ever gets sacked. But she says even that intrusion pales against her latest experience. Soon after she walked past an optician's in her high street, her mobile phone rang. It was a text message from the same optician's inviting her to have an eye test for laser treatment. She asks: "Do you think they have a tracker that detected my phone?" Nothing surprises me these days. Any similar experiences?

I WROTE a few days ago about our smart meter which I can neither read nor operate. A reader writes: "Mine resides in a plastic bag tucked away between the toaster and the rack of CDs. It has been plugged in once. I didn't understand a word of the directions and it has lived in seclusion ever since."

SO why would the electricity companies spend so much money (okay, we pay for it in the end) installing smart meters that no-one uses? A reader who claims to have spent his life in electricity supply has a sinister explanation. He says that, if and when the power cuts come, smart meters will enable the electricity companies to switch off individual properties while leaving essential users connected. You have been warned.