Females? They ain't nothing but trouble.

A POLL of Radio Times readers suggests the favourite movie line of all time is Buzz Lightyear's quote from Toy Story: "To infinity . . .and beyond!" The poll's top ten inexplicably overlooked "May the Force be with you" from Stars Wars and "I love the smell of napalm in the morning" from Apocalypse Now. Strange poll, strange result. But then who reads the Radio Times these days?

WE all have our personal best movie lines. One of mine is from the ceilidh scene in Local Hero when Mac asks for a 42-year-old whisky and is told it's not available. "Well," he replies, "Give me four eight-year-olds and a ten-year-old."

AND there's a gem of a line at the end of Jungle Book when the man-cub Mowgli, having grown up with animals, is suddenly enchanted by his first sight of a little girl. Baloo the bear growls: "Forget about those. They ain't nothing but trouble."

A GOVERNMENT spokesman popped up on the radio this week to repeat one of the Great Whoppers of Our Time: "Crime has fallen by 10 per cent." No, it hasn't. It's just that thousands of criminals have abandoned the risky business of theft, fraud and mugging for the safe, warm, rewarding pastures of cyber crime. Crime on the internet is booming and most of it is ignored by the police, so it doesn't appear in any recorded-crime statistics. I have never been mugged in the street but at least once or twice a day someone tries to rob me via my computer. If you seriously think crime is falling, you really ought to be in politics.

A READER insists that Virgin will pave the way for commercial space trips because "all the progress of the past 100 years makes space tourism inevitable." But technology doesn't work like that any more. It is no longer a relentless drive but a stumbling succession of false starts and dead ends. We went to the moon and then stopped going to the moon. Hovercrafts were the vehicles of the future and then fell from grace. Concorde, supposedly the pioneer of supersonic travel, was grounded. The constant-progress theory dates from the first half of the 20th century when science and technology were massively accelerated by two world wars. If an archduke had not been assassinated in Sarajevo 100 years ago, Virgin's last word in 21st century air travel would not be a space rocket. It would be a biplane.

THE Brits will put up with almost anything, except unfairness. And the enforcement of speeding has never been more unfair than it is now. Mobile speed traps cover well-known hot spots, nabbing the unwary for piffling offences. This provides customers at £100 a time for "driver-awareness" courses. Some insurance companies are now raising the premiums of those who have attended courses. The entire system is a money-making venture. It would be bad enough if all drivers were at equal risk. But they are not. Latest figures across the UK reveal that more than 30,000 foreign drivers have been caught in speed traps since January 2013 – and no action has been taken against them. Mind how you go.

AND if you doubt that it's all about money, consider the single speed camera in Cardiff which nabbed 13,624 drivers in the first half of this year, netting £800,000. If the authorities were genuinely concerned about people speeding at this location they would improve the road signs. Instead, they put up a speed camera. Go figure.

THANKS for your quirky epitaphs on gravestones. A number of you recalled: "Beneath this sod lies another."