A very good day to bury good news

ED Balls says there would be no exemption for the Royal Family from his proposed mansion tax. So here's an idea to protect our beloved Royals. We could organise an annual whip-round of about 52p per UK resident and, er, . . . Come to think of it, we already do.

RESULT. After years of public outrage, traffic police have pounced on drivers using mobile phones on the M5. They nicked 182 offenders and serve 'em right. Driving while phoning or texting is a premeditated offence which has been the cause of many serious accidents. So can we look forward to these drivers being heavily fined and given the solid deterrent of three penalty points? Dream on. They are being offered the alternative of an "educational course" and I bet they snap it up.

SO these drivers will not get any penalty points. They will certainly not face the £1,000 fine a court could impose. Instead, they will pay about £100 and spend a day in a hotel being lectured by an assortment of chummy ex-cops and driving instructors. Does anyone seriously believe this is either an effective deterrent or a proper punishment? It is a cosy agreement between police forces and private companies which offer driver-awareness courses. Nicking 182 offenders on the M5 has created about £20,000 worth of business for the course providers. It is bad enough when people are nicked for piffling speeding offences to provide customers for these companies. It is appalling that the same procedure is now being invoked to deal with serious, potentially life-threatening offences. The rise and rise of the driver-awareness industry, now worth an estimated £100 million a year, has happened under the noses of politicians with barely a question being asked about how effective these courses are.

AND supposing one of the M5 182 goes on to cause a death while using a mobile again. Who will explain to the grieving family that, instead of being punished properly for the first offence, the driver spent a day in a hotel?

I HAVE a friend who is proud to be a member of rather tatty club in the middle of town. He never goes. He joined purely because he believes that one day the club and, more importantly, its plot will be sold and he will share in the profits. I thought of him when Vince Cable suggested building on some of Britain's many golf courses to solve the housing shortage. Has there ever been a better time to take up golf?

INCIDENTALLY, the term "housing shortage" is a politician's way of avoiding the expression "population excess."

TALKING of politicians and our enduring fascination with men wearing rosettes, did you notice how the genuine life-enhancing, epoch-changing news was almost entirely lost amid saturation coverage from Clacton? As all eyes were on Ukip's victory, you may have missed the announcement that scientists working with stem cells believe they are on course to find a cure for Type A diabetes. It was a very good day to bury good news.

SOMETHING called the Go with the Flow campaign, intent on saving precious water, is urging all 15,000 students at the University of East Anglia to avoid flushing the loos by urinating in the shower. Maybe they are too young to have heard the expression "preaching to the converted".

I SUGGESTED last week that Only Connect (BBC2) is the hardest quiz on telly, contested by the only eight people in the UK who could possibly know the answers. A reader points out that there are actually two teams of three, making six. I find the maths questions particularly hard.