How MI5 scuppered Scottish independence

A READER who is a Sagittarian, writes to sing the praise of an astrology column this week which gave her the priceless advice: "Be sure to wear something to a social gathering." Personally, I always ignore the stargazing columns. But then we Taureans tend to be sceptical.

BE honest. Did you spend the last few halcyon days of September worrying about the horrors of global warming? Or did you just lie back in the hammock with a pint of ale, a barbecued sausage and think how good it was to be so warm? If this year's summer is to become the norm, I can see us dividing into two sorts of people. The Hotties will joyously embrace the warmer weather. The Coldies will warn bleakly of terrible climate change to come and yearn for the wet and chilly days of yore. I have a new slogan for them: "What do we want? Chilblains! When do we want them? Now!"

NORTH of the border the fury rages on. You would not believe the conspiracy theories circulating online among Scotland's outraged, devastated and disbelieving Yes voters. Apparently, a van carrying ballot boxes was hijacked by MI5. The spooks murdered the driver and stuffed the boxes with No votes. After dozens of suchlike allegations, I note that the Herald Scotland website has imposed new moderation rules,which in itself sounds looks like a conspiracy, innit?

WHAT genius thought it was a good idea to put Tory chairman Grant Shapps on stage at the Tory Conference with serried ranks of young Conservatives behind him wearing identical Union Jack T-shirts? There is something vaguely weird and off-putting about youngsters embracing Conservatism. Finding one true-blue twentysomething is rare. Finding a whole stageful is downright scary.

A COUPLE of weeks ago, commenting on how quickly tanks went from drawing board to battle, I added: "These days we can't even produce a family saloon without recalling them six weeks later with a dodgy heater." In fact, some Vauxhall owners have just been told their vehicles may have a steering problem so dangerous that they should not be driven. On the Western Front there was no product recall

LET me set the record straight for a number of old folk who have been in touch, haranguing me for pointing out last week that some pensioners are now among the richest people in society. I was not claiming that all old people are rich. I was not suggesting that old folk do not pay taxes. I was certainly not proposing that poorer pensioners should be denied the winter-fuel payment or free TV licences (although I happen to believe the licence is evil, outdated and should be scrapped). And when I suggested I might invest my own fuel allowance in a decent crate of claret I was not being entirely serious. Tell me, at what age does a sense of irony shrivel up and die?

MEANWHILE, as George Osborne promises to freeze benefits for people of working age, no such freeze will be applied to pensioners. Is he stirring up social unrest for the future? Ten years ago the BBC screened a drama documentary, If . . . The Generations Fall Out. As young working people were taxed to the hilt to support a vast and growing generation of baby-boom pensioners, riots broke out under the slogan: "We pay – they play." How long before life imitates art?

AND if you think I'm hard on the over-60s, consider the suggestion by a Sunday Times reader for a replacement for winter-fuel payment. Free wool and knitting needles.