Thumping the Kaiser

THIS is the day. One hundred years ago at 11pm on August 4, 1914, Britain declared war on Germany.

WE are being urged to switch off the lights between 10-11 pm tonight. Not only will it mark the centenary of the outbreak of war but it will also be good practice for when the power cuts start.

IN April 1914 my grandmother Alice Laycock, then 16, was given an autograph book. In it, her friends and relations wrote greetings, wise words and some religious tracts. One offering, written five weeks after the First World War broke out, gives a fascinating insight into domestic violence in the popular culture of a century ago. It is the tale, in Yorkshire dialect, of a woman telling her friend how she bade farewell to her soldier husband as he went off to war: "I didn't know what ta say, soa ar sez to him 'Good-bye ould lad,' ar sez, 'If thar thumps t'Kaiser as same as tha's thumped me, he'll be sorry at ivver he went to war'." In those days they didn't have Yvette Cooper.

THERE are many opinions on how the Great War changed Britain. I am always reminded of my grandmother's verdict: "After the war, everything seemed to speed up. Before the war, tomorrow would do just as well as today."

UPTON House, which I wrote about a few days ago, has one of those wall-ditch obstacles, designed to keep out the livestock, which is known as a haha. But Upton also has a number of sheer, unguarded drops to the terraced gardens. Not so much a haha as a hahaaarrgghh!

BRING on the driverless cars. This great leap forward will actually turn the clocks back 100 years to the days when, no matter how tired, stressed or drunk you were, you simply climbed into the driving seat and said: "Take me home, Dobbin."

AT first sight it is astonishing that cars without drivers are to be allowed on British roads in trials as early as next year. And yet there is a long, long history of traffic regulations being turned on their heads to accommodate the wishes of car makers. Remember when the law forbade drivers being distracted by television screens? Along come satnav screens and the rules are changed. Remember when a car had to have four wheels and tyres of the same size? Along come space-saving spare wheels and those rules are changed, too. You may take the view that the British Parliament is wonderfully responsive to advances in technology. Then again, you may think that generations of politicians have been well and truly lobbied by the global motor industry. Another glass of champagne, minister?

GREAT excitement in Cornwall where holidaymakers have been going wild at the sight of a solitary dolphin leaping out of the sea. Big deal. Head north to the Moray Firth and you'll see dozens of dolphins splashing and leaping just a few yards from the shore. You'll also find Fort George, a building so magnificent that, if it were on the Thames, no-one would bother visiting the Tower of London. There is some wonderful stuff in Scotland. The sad thing is that most English never bother to see it. We go south for our holidays and we miss so much.

OUR changing language. The adjective coined to describe the behaviour of some Post Office staff on the Mumsnet website is "catsbummish." Ladies, I am appalled.