How social engineering benefits the toffs' schools

THE Church of England has ditched the Devil from baptisms, so can we assume that Hell is no longer with us? If so, we need a new range of expressions. It was announced this week that the Church is planning to use positive discrimination to hand out bishops' jobs to female priests. So if you are a newly-ordained male priest, what are your chances of making it to the top, now that "a cat in hell's chance" is redundant?

UNDER a new points system unveiled this week, children from poor households will be fast-tracked to the best state schools, while middle-class kids will be directed to less popular schools. Who will be the winners from this social engineering? The private fee-paying schools, of course. They will get thousands of applications from parents who have no intention of sending their kids to Bash Street School. Behold, the perils of meddling. You set out to create a fairer system. You end up adding to the unfairness.

JEREMY Paxman's replacement on Newsnight is the openly gay Evan Davis. There is much speculation about how the tattooed and (allegedly) intimately pierced Mr Davis will tackle the big interviews. One commentator says his appointment will reinforce the BBC's diversity agenda and bring "a light touch." The implication is that a gay inquisitor will be gentler than Paxo because that's what gays are like, right? Consider this. Staffordshire Police, thanks to its diversity employment policies, is proud to be known as one of Britain's most gay-friendly employers. You are more likely to encounter a gay bobby in Staffordshire than anywhere else in Britain. So is the constabulary full of "light touch" bobbies? Not exactly. A survey this week reveals that you are more likely to be Tasered by cops in Staffordshire than in any other county. Explain that.

MEANWHILE, Evan Davis offers some sound advice to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people who see their LGBT status as the cause of all their problems. Davis is not only gay but also has a squint. He says: "If you think too hard about it, you'll feel that discrimination is core to your personality. So if you have squiffy eyes, as I do, then you will feel that rejection is due to your squiffy eyes." Sometimes you get the sack not because you're gay, lesbian, white or black but because you're no good at the job.

DAVIS's words remind me of the man afflicted with a terrible stammer who was furious after failing an audition to be a radio newsreader in Dublin. He told his friends: "I bet they gave the job to a b-b-b-bloody C-C-C-Catholic."

HOUSE prices have dropped slightly. This is good news. It shows that by a few simple measures, the beast of excessive debt that devoured the last Labour government can be controlled. All you have to do is restrict the amount people can borrow. This creates the impression that a house which costs £180,000 this year may fetch only £170,000 next year. Once that uncertainty is injected into the system, buyers reduce the asking price and sellers, instead of snapping up the first house they see, start shopping around. No boom, no crash. Nothing beats debt quite like doubt.

QUIETLY, very quietly, while all eyes were on Gaza and Ukraine, Whitehall made a tiny announcement. Until now, for every year you delay drawing your state pension, its value increases by 10.4 per cent. From 2016 this will be cut to 5.8 per cent. Just like that. There are lies, damned lies and pension promises.