Time for us Sassenachs to shut up

From Helmsley, North Yorkshire

WE are in Yorkshire this week, the land of my fathers, which I referred to some years ago as "God's Country." A well-meaning sub-editor, suspecting a typing error, changed this to "God's County." For t'record, Yorkshire is actually four times as big as Luxembourg with 10 times its population, and causes nowhere near as much trouble. God's country, no question.

FOR all the excitement of the Tour de France in Yorkshire, cycling still strikes me as one of the best reasons not to get breathalysed. I remember an old uncle once telling me that the only place you'd see people cycling in Yorkshire was York because that was the only flat bit.

A STUDY reveals that children are now more likely to be bullied online than in the playground. I dare say someone, somewhere has filed this result under "progress."

MEMO to Dave. In fact, this is a memo to everyone in England who wants to keep Scotland in the UK: Be quiet. Stop discussing the issue. Hold your peace. Button your lip. Shaddap You Face . There is only one thing now which can tip Scotland into voting for independence and that is the belief that it will upset a large number of English toffs. David Cameron suddenly blurts out that it would break his heart if Scotland voted to leave. Has it not occurred to him that breaking the heart of a Sassenach Tory is something a lot of Scots might enjoy? Barely has Cameron finished his pleading than unnamed "Senior Conservatives" claim that if the Yes vote is less than 40 per cent it will "kill" the issue of independence for a generation. Again, can you think of anything more likely to increase the pro-independence vote? There's only two months to go to the referendum. It is a matter entirely for the Scots. Let everyone else keep very quiet indeed.

I BUMPED into an old friend with her dogs who was hugely excited because her Vizsla had just unearthed her latest Geocache find. Geocache like so many hip and happening global crazes, had passed me by entirely. The idea is to hide a box in the countryside, post its map co-ordinates online and invite others to find it. Geocache boxes contain a pencil and logbook where you record when you found it. Sometimes they contain "treasure," usually a token or piece of unwanted household tat. It's a sort of hide and seek for the internet age. Some people get terribly excited about it. Having just ploughed through the box set of the detective series Luther (BBC), with all its dismemberment and psychological twists, I find myself thinking what a grim and grisly storyline you could build around Geocache. You've found a what in a box, madam?

CHANCELLOR George Osborne was trapped by a kid on a school visit who asked him: "What's seven times eight?" Quick as a flash, Osborne replied: "I've made it a rule in life not to answer a load of maths questions." Quick thinking, eh? Firstly, the Chancellor ducks the risk of getting the answer wrong. Secondly, he avoids slipping into the habits of the City where, if the client asks: "What's seven times eight?" the customary answer is: "Well, what figure did you have in mind, old boy?"

A COURT in Amsterdam has ordered the city to reconsider the yuletude appearance of "Black Pete," Santa Claus's traditional helper, after complaints that he is a negative racial stereotype. How long before Santa himself is banned on the grounds that he looks like Rolf Harris?