Perfect pitch

The term rUK ("rest of the United Kingdom") is already being used in Scotland to describe England and Wales if Scotland votes for independence in September's referendum. A similar abbreviation based on "former United Kingdom" has been rejected as inappropriate.

EVERY royal visit is preceded by frantic decoration which is why, according to folklore, the Royals believe that the whole world smells of fresh paint. I dare say the Windsors also imagine they are great natural comedians as their subjects roar with laughter at any vaguely amusing comment. This week The Antiques Roadshow's Hilary Kay explained to the Queen how the 1863 Derby had 32 false starts. "Sounds very incompetent," observed HM. Miss Kay almost collapsed in hysterics. It's the way she tells 'em.

DANNY Alexander, the Lib-Dem chief secretary to the Treasury, claims that Treasury figures show 3.3 million UK jobs are "connected" to Britain's membership of the European Union. Get the message? If we quit the EU another three million people will be chucked on the scrapheap. But this scary prediction sits oddly with the fact that the closest Britain ever came to full employment was between 1955 and 1973 when it averaged just two per cent and was always below one million. Britain joined the Common Market in 1973 and unemployment actually rose over the next few years and has remained at levels we never saw in the years before we joined. We did quite well before the EU. Over to you, Mr Alexander.

JAGUAR is withdrawing adverts which are said to encourage dangerous driving. The wonder is that Jaguar needs any new adverts at all. Back in the 1950s the car company hit on a magical three-word sales slogan which has never been bettered. You just use an image of the latest Jaguar model with the caption: "Grace, Space, Pace." Perfect.

DAVID Blunkett says the News of the World hacking his voicemails brought him close to a breakdown. He talks bitterly of suspicion, betrayal and the souring of relationships. Reality check, please. When a high-profile Home Secretary has a torrid affair with another man's wife, how does he think it's going to end? If mobile phones had not been invented, hacking was unknown and Rupert Murdoch had never been born, Blunkett's own folly would still have brought him crashing down.

IN December last year I wrote this about the female puppets in the Wonga TV adverts: "The moment they appeared, I found myself reminded of those evil old bags who were rounded up in Germany after the war and exposed as concentration-camp guards." There is something unpleasant about the whole payday-loan industry. Now it is revealed that Wonga sent thousands of letters threatening legal action to customers in arrears – from fake legal firms. Because this happened before the Financial Conduct Authority took over the regulation of payday lenders, it is unable to fine Wonga. But what about natural justice and the criminal law? If a back-street loan shark threatened legal action by bogus law firms wouldn't he be charged with obtaining money by deception? What's sauce for the shark is surely sauce for Wonga.

CRISIS in Mormon. Kate Kelly, an activist in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has been excommunicated for suggesting that women might become priests. She has urged the church leaders to "seek direction from God" on the issue. A fine idea. The snag is, when you seek direction from the Almighty, you usually find the Almighty is thinking exactly what you're thinking. Now, why might that be?