The reign in Spain

THE newly refurbished terminal at Heathrow will be known as The Queen's Terminal. Sounds like a gloomy prognosis.

ON this night 70 years ago, more than 150,000 British, American and Canadian troops crept across the Channel to begin the liberation of Europe. I recall 10 years ago Whitehall announcing that the 60th commemoration of D-Day would be the last. Tomorrow, hundreds of Normandy veterans will gather on the beaches for the 70th. And I would put money on an 80th anniversary, too. The D-Day lads who are still alive in their 90s are tough old birds. Some of them will certainly make it to 100-plus and a few of them will be back in 2024 to give thanks for all the extra years they had, and in memory of the mates they left behind.

THE European Commission says Britain should improve its economy by curbing the Help-to-Buy project and bumping up council tax. Always good to be advised by the experts, isn't it? This, of course, is the same Commission whose EU budget has yet to satisfy its own auditors and whose member states include some of the worst basket-case economies in the world.

AFTER the European Commission's advice on economics, watch out for North Korea's forthcoming lecture to Britain on canine welfare.

IT'S official – HS2 is the work of the devil. The Church of England says this screaming 200mph behemoth will desecrate ancient graves. But who cares? The opponents would have a much stronger hand if England possessed an endangered ethnic minority of original Britons, like Australian aborigines or native Americans. If HS2 threatened their tribal burial grounds, it would be stopped in its tracks. Funny how we always take other people's religion more seriously than our own.

THOUSANDS of personal computers have been infested with a virus which could take over their online bank accounts within a fortnight and nick every last penny. Online banking is one of those modern things – like the right to tweet anything you please 24/7 - that some people genuinely believe is essential to their survival. The rest of us recall that when Northern Rock went belly-up, people with online accounts were stuffed. In my humble opinion there are a number of things that should never be connected to the internet including your big, daft, defamatory mouth, those "private" photos of you and the girl in human resources at the office party - and your current account.

GEORGE Bernard Shaw – patron saint of sub-editors. In his 1912 play Pygmalion, Shaw describes Professor Henry Higgins trying to improve Eliza Doolittle's diction by reciting: "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain" (which Lerner and Lowe later incorporated in the hit musical My Fair Lady). One hundred and two years passed. Then, this week, the Spanish king announced his abdication and thousands of sub-editors realised this was a story about, wait for it, a reign in Spain. You probably saw the results. Headline heaven.

CYCLES use the same roads as motorcycles and are just as likely to be hit by road vehicles or fall on to the road. So why must bikers wear proper crash helmets while cyclists are allowed to wear plastic lids? "These flimsy little helmets don't help," Henry Marsh, a leading neurosurgeon, told guests at Hay Festival. "I ride a bike and I never wear a helmet." He says countries where helmets are compulsory have seen no reduction in cycling injuries."

A DILEMMA. If cyclists stop wearing helmets where can they stick those little cameras? No suggestions, thanks.