It is every man's right to be a lesbian

AS new celebrity allegations arise, I am reminded that when I was covering magistrates' courts in the 1970s when some of these offences allegedly happened, the going rate for indecent assault was a £30 fine and a talking-to by the chairman of the bench. Prison was reserved for really serious offences and the courts had a very different idea of what constituted "serious". I once saw a man get three months for poaching rabbits.

HERE we go. I wondered how long it would be before Education Secretary Michael Gove's ban on taking kids on holiday in term time became a human-rights issue. Sure enough a group called Parents Want A Say claims the ban infringes the right to family life in the European Convention on Human Rights. The lawyers who created the Convention must be turning in their graves. Their solemn duty, after the horror of the Second World War, was to ensure the continent was never again taken over by dictators. The right to family life was drafted to prevent husbands, sons and fathers being carted off as slave labourers. It was never designed to give families a fortnight together in Benidorm. Today the Convention has become so devalued that it is brandished by everyone from criminals who thoroughly deserve to be deported to silly pupils who don't want to wear school uniform. Now, we are told, there is a human right to term-time holidays. PlanetSKI, a website devoted to winter sports denounces Michael Gove's ban: "It is stopping families enjoying a ski holiday at times outside official school holidays and this may have a long-term impact on the future number of skiers and snowboarders." Dear God, not a national shortage of skiers and snowboarders. It is beyond parody.

NOT to be outdone by silly campaigns, I proudly launch my own. Thirty-five years ago, in Monty Python's Life of Brian, Stan (Eric Idle) declared it was every man's right to be a woman. Since then, thanks to much lobbying and gender surgery, Python's joke has become reality. Today, Conchita Wurst, the Eurovision drag act with a beard, seems to be telling us that it is not only every man's right to be a woman but every woman's right to be a man. As old bastions crumble what unlikely barricade should we storm next? Tell you what, comrades, let us boldly brandish the Human Rights Convention in a new cause: It is every man's right to be a lesbian.

I FINALLY got around to watching Lincoln, starring Daniel Day Lewis as the doomed United States president. You may recall the furore over the voice this English actor adopted. Instead of the deep, commanding tones you might expect, Day Lewis opted for a light, higher-pitched voice for Abraham Lincoln. Where did he get the inspiration? I thought he sounded exactly like Woody (Woody Harrelson) in Cheers, doing his impression of Mark Twain, dropping wise little quotes all over the bar.

TWAIN was a great quote-dropper: "The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why."

I WAS born without the football gene. Yet even I am aware of the agonising stress piled on managers and the venomous, frothy-mouthed arrogance of some fans who are convinced not only that they could do the manager's job better but that they have a God-given right to abuse him at any time or place. After the David Moyes incident in Clitheroe, I recommend a tiny change in the criminal law. Every football manager should be allowed to deck one irritating fan per year without fear of prosecution.