The unsackable Mr Clarkson

USEFUL political phrases. In Egypt, the 50 per cent who never turn out to vote are known as the sofa party.

A NEW £12 million contract will reportedly keep Jeremy Clarkson at the BBC until 2018 and make a fortune for the Corporation in overseas sales. You still wonder why Auntie refuses to get rid of him? If Clarkson blacked-up and did an impression of Barack Obama singing The Sun Has Got His Hat On, he'd still be unsackable.

REJOICE, for the rocks beneath England appear to contain billions of barrels of shale oil. So if Scotland votes for independence and takes what remains of its North Sea oil, we've got plenty of our own. Did you ever doubt that God was an Englishman?

HOWEVER, before the rejoicing gets out of hand, a cautionary tale. When the Monterey Shale formation in California was first prospected, the experts announced that it would yield 13.7 billion barrels of oil. Last week the US Energy Information Administration announced that the latest estimate is a mere 600 million barrels. Oops.

IT is a quote which puzzles many Shakespeare students and is a nightmare for actors to learn. Macbeth muses to himself: "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly." Macbeth is contemplating killing the king. What he is actually saying is that if everything could be settled by this one murder, then it would be best to do it quickly. I wonder, after yesterday's Euro-election results, how many MPs think the same about their leaders. Ed Miliband simply doesn't look like a prime minister, David Cameron has mutiny in his ranks and Nick Clegg is toast. And yet it's not the leadership that's broken. It's the policies. After the electoral drubbing one idiotic Lib-Dem spokesman wittered: "We've got to focus on getting our policies across." He reminded me of a huntsman I know who seriously believes the only reason people object to foxhunting is that they don't understand it, because they're a bit thick. The arrogance is breathtaking. The reality in politics is that the people have seen the policies of all three major parties, and hate them. And if your policies are garbage, simply killing off your leader is not enough. As Macbeth discovered.

AS the post-poll inquests continue, I still haven't seen a satisfactory explanation for why Ed Miliband chose to be photographed eating a bacon sandwich with all the enthusiasm of an anaconda digesting a fridge. He says he wants to be Britain's first Jewish prime minister since Disraeli. Here was a perfect opportunity to say: "No, thanks, I'm Jewish."

MANY secular, non-religious Jews avoid pork. On the other hand, many are perfectly happy eating it. My father's Uncle Harry, from a Jewish family in the East End, came to a compromise with his conscience. He started his full English breakfast every day with the little prayer: "Thank you, God, that bacon does not come from pigs."

THE Prince of Wales's alleged remarks comparing President Putin to Adolf Hitler have been reported around the world. Yet there has been not a single on-the-record word from the prince to confirm, deny, clarify, expand or retract his alleged words; nothing but a sullen silence. I'm not sure what is worse, having a future king with an overactive mouth or an underactive brain.

MEANWHILE what of Charles's father? True to form, the Duke of Edinburgh made an inappropriate comment at the opening of a sex-health clinic. It's what he does best. I look forward to the old chap being introduced to the Federation of Pheasant Pluckers.