Smart cars, smarter crooks

CONDITIONS are said to be perfect for a bumper crop of British cherries. Or to put it another way, a bumper crop of bullfinches, goldfinches, grey squirrels and a variety of other furry, feathery things who regard our cherry tree as a fly-in, crawl-up, hop-around free buffet. "Bumper crop" does not mean many cherries on your plate.

THE jargon department at the NHS is as busy as ever. Last week I referred to "never events," things that are never supposed to happen. There is another useful NHS term to cover accidental vasectomies, amputation of the wrong limb and so forth. It is "wrong-site surgery." Perfect.

HALF of the 21,000 cars stolen in London last year were unlocked and driven away by thieves using electronic devices to fool the car's onboard computers. Has anyone ever invented a smart device which hasn't been outsmarted by crooks as soon as it comes on the market?

"THERE is no way we are going to make the tests easier," declares a Ministry of Defence spokesman as defence secretary Philip Hammond announces that women are to be allowed to serve in combat units in the front line. Bunkum. The lesson of history is that whenever hard, physical, male-only jobs are opened to women, the goal posts are always shifted. The fire service has made its ladder-lifting tests easier to suit women. Police have modified their speed and agility tests. US Marines have dropped their pull-up requirements for female recruits. Two British women police officers have been awarded compensation after complaining the standard-issue pistols were too big. In a changing, hi-tech world, opening all jobs to both sexes may or may not be a good thing. But don't believe anyone who tells you the old standards will be maintained.

WHITE Dee, the star of Benefits Street (C4), has reportedly had seven approaches from TV production companies. I can imagine the middle-class luvvies who govern tellyland going into ecstasies over her, as though they have uncovered some rare and precious creature, gifted with unique insight into the underclass condition. The reality is that every street in every sink estate has its White Dee, the loudmouthed local matriarch who is regarded as a source of wisdom although she has absolutely nothing sensible to say. If TV really is looking for a new and original take on modern life, they should give White Dee a very wide berth and try Asif Hussainkhil instead.

ASIF Hussainkhil? He's the 33-year-old Afghan who tried to cross the Channel from Calais to Kent last week on a flimsy raft he built from scrap wood. Sent back to France by coastguards, Asif promptly set about building another raft. He has heard great things about England. He has worked his way across Europe as a builder and gardener. He is determined to get here. I wish him well. He has more true grit in his little finger than White Dee has in her entire body and I would rather see him presenting Asif's Voyages than hear White Dee banging on about her slobby existence on benefits any day.

A READER reports a conversation with a fellow driver who said how driving in the United States was better than here. American drivers are more polite and there is far less road rage. And why might this be? "Because the other guy's probably got a gun in the car," he explained.

SCIENTISTS in Vienna and Arizona have discovered that yawning cools down the brain to help us concentrate when we are stressed. Another interesting thing about yawning is that once you see the word, you simply have to have one. Go on. Yawn. Yawn. You know you want to . . . .