Why are we in the EU? Because politicians lied to us

A READER writes: "I like to use long words in conversation, even when I don't understand them, because they make me sound more photosynthesis."

NEVER speak ill of the dead. The latest Private Eye magazine manages to take the mickey out of the late Tony Benn, in his Diary from Heaven, without an ounce of malice. I like the part where Benn is looking for his heroes Lenin and Mao in paradise. Benn is puzzled that "no-one I spoke to has ever seen either of them around."

MORE fruit-and-veg confusion. A reader writes: "Yesterday I found myself chilled to the marrow and in a bit of a pickle. Does this count as one of my seven portions per day, or two?"

IN an interview this week the former Polish finance minister Jacek Rostowski gave us Brits a damn good telling-off. He said the same rules applied to all EU citizens throughout the EU which is why British taxpayers should not object to paying child benefit to kids in Poland whose parents are working here. That may make perfect sense in Poland which joined the EU less than 10 years ago when it knew and understood the rules. Britain joined something called the European Economic Community way back in 1973. In those days, none of the zealots who led us into Europe dared to tell us that we would one day cease to be British subjects and become "EU citizens" or that every other EU citizen in a federation of 28 nations would be entitled to live here. If we had suspected that, we would have jumped ship 40 years ago. Never doubt or forget that the United Kingdom is in the EU solely because generations of politicians lied to us.

I SUGGESTED a few days ago that Ed Miliband would probably be the next prime minister. That was based on the assumption that he did not commit political suicide in the meantime. This week, at a time when the Left and the working class are demanding leadership, Miliband promises to take good care of the middle class. That will be welcomed by middle-class people everywhere. Especially in Conservative Party Central Office.

WHEN the Sheffield half-marathon was cancelled because of a shortage of drinking water, I was so proud of my fellow Yorkshirefolk. First, with reet grand Northern disregard for the instructions, the runners ignored the cancellation and carried on running. Secondly, local folk armed themselves with thousands of bottles of mineral water and sold the runners as much as they could buy. Hang on. I have just been told that the locals actually gave the water away, for nowt. Are we absolutely sure this happened in Yorkshire?

SO FAREWELL, Maria Miller. All along, David Cameron insisted she had "done the right thing" when he, she and the whole world knew that the only right thing was resignation.

A READER seems to recall that back in 1975 the rock group Queen foresaw David Cameron's long and pointless defence of Maria Miller with a line in Bohemian Rhapsody: "Ms Miller, no! / We will not let her go." Yes, it was something like that.

AND can we stop this pretence that Miller attracted so much flak only because the wicked Press hate her? She was doomed because her 32-second "apology" in the House of Commons was an arrogant, dismissive apology for an apology which irritated a hell of a lot of people, no matter what their politics. If she had sincerely conveyed one ounce of genuine remorse, regret or contrition, she would have survived.

SINCERITY is, after all, at the very heart of politics. If you can fake sincerity, you've cracked it.