Kiel vi fartas?

FROM Baghdad to Cairo, from Bankok to Kiev, it is the hardest question any copper has to ask himself. At what precise moment do I tell the sergeant to get stuffed and try to convince the rebels I'm really on their side? When regimes collapse, surviving, like telling a joke, is all a matter of timing.

MEANWHILE, if Russia pulls the financial plug on Ukraine, there is talk of the European Union bunging the provisional government in Kiev a few billion euros. So that's one bankrupt, undemocratic organisation coming to the aid of another. When we joined the Common Market it was a group of six stable, prosperous and solidly democratic nations. It is steadily turning into the sort of basket-case club that any real democracy would be proud to leave.

ONE of the chief purposes of the Met Office is to give the nation something to laugh about when its forecasts go horrendously amiss. Remember the barbecue summer? Now it emerges that back in November the Met Office briefed the authorities to expect a winter "drier than normal," particularly in the West Country. I bet that has 'em chortling in the Somerset Levels.

MIND you, not everyone can join in the chortling. Lest we forget, at the time the Met Office was warning of drought, the Daily Express was confidently forecasting that 2013-14 would see a "horror winter," with months of freezing wind and heavy snow. We have not seen a flake since.

TWO dimwit crooks have been paraded as figures of fun. The pair went on a crime spree in the Manchester area – and then posted dozens of images of themselves on Facebook, posing with their stolen motorbikes and other loot. After a tip-off, police downloaded the evidence and the pair are now behind bars. What a hoot, eh? What a pair of imbeciles. And then you read the report more closely. These two thieves committed these crimes between November 2012 and June 2013. Yet in 2008 both had been jailed for nine years after a string of armed robberies. Why were they at liberty to offend again? Because we have a Mickey-Mouse legal system which releases prisoners when they have served half – or sometimes even less – of their sentence. So who are the real imbeciles?

YOU may recall my occasional doubts about the so-called campaign for Scottish independence. If it were a serious campaign, surely by now it would have sorted out the absolute basics such as currency and oil rights.. So is it really no more than an arm-twisting exercise, designed to transfer even more money and political power from Westminster to Edinburgh – the so-called devo-max option? If so, it's working. Weekend reports suggest the Tories, Labour and Lib-Dems have all prepared plans to increase the Scottish government's powers if the Scots vote against independence in September's referendum. Alex Salmond could walk away from "defeat" with a multi-billion pound bung in his coffers. He may try to look disappointed but watch out for a sly smile. The only losers (apart from English taxpayers) will be Scotland's blue-faced William Wallace tendency who loath and despise the Tory toffs of Westminster and seriously believed the SNP was going to lead them out of the United Kingdom.

MIND you, there is one factor which could suddenly tip the Scots into voting for total independence. Apparently the new Scotland would be unable to enter the Eurovision Song Contest, Lucky devils.

YOU can't help being impressed at how many Ukrainians speak good English. Our language has become the true world language, dashing the dreams of those who once promoted the artificial "language of hope," Esperanto. Which is perhaps as well. In English we say: "How are you?" and smile. In Esperanto you say: "Kiel vi fartas?" and probably start a fight.