Water, water everywhere

GEORGE Ellis (1753- 1815) was the English satirist who defined the 12 months from January to December as: "Snowy, Flowy, Blowy / Showery, Flowery, Bowery / Hoppy, Croppy, Droppy / Breezy, Sneezy, Freezy." Most years it works well but this year we have had two months of water flowing everywhere and now the wretched lawns are beginning to grow. So 2014 is the year that began Flowy, Flowy, Mowy.

MEANWHILE, back at the Bonkers Broadcasting Corporation, another bizarre experiment in news values. From Sunday's flagship political programme The Westminster Hour (Radio 4) through the World Service into yesterday morning, the BBC took the view that the biggest and most significant story in the whole world was the death of an American actor you'd probably never heard of. RIP Philip Seymour Hoffman , but whatever happened to a sense of proportion?

IN A single year, the number of Brits seeking cosmetic surgery has soared by 17 per cent to more than 52,000. So in an average week 1,000 men and women are queuing up for boob jobs, nose jobs and liposuction to suck out unwanted fat. A spokesman for plastic surgeons says it proves the economy is improving. Really? Does it not also prove that an awful lot of Brits are vain, lazy or unhappy?

I WROTE recently about the lack of interest shown by police and parking wardens in vehicle number plates which have been tampered with to reflect the owners' names. A friend who knows about such things says the reckoning will come later this year as traditional tax discs are scrapped. When that happens, the number plate will be the only visual means of identifying a vehicle. He says there will then be a nationwide blitz on tampered plates and, of course, a nationwide chorus of "Haven't you got anything better to do?" by owners who find a grinning warden writing out the ticket.

MEMO to Ofsted chair Baroness Morgan whose contract will not be renewed after three years in the job and who is alleging that non-Tories are being squeezed out of such jobs: A quango is not for Christmas and it certainly isn't for life.

NOTHING but good news on Aidan Burley's website. He's the MP for Cannock and the section of his website entitled "Aidan in the media" reports brightly: "MP serves up a treat for Lions festive lunch," "MPs want to tighten law on criminals," "Funds to boost economy," "Doffing the cap to start of works" and "All smiles as college campus is officially opened." Not a word about Nazi themed parties, German uniforms, Heil Hitler salutes or the ticklish question over whether Mr Burley has become an electoral liability. Curiously enough, if you go to the Conservative Home website you'll find a convenient link to the Mail on Sunday's latest dirt on "All Smiles" Aidan. It's almost as though his bosses want us to read all about it.

A NEW spring, a new garden shed. But this time, instead of erecting it on beaten earth and slabs, and watching it slowly subside into the rabbit warren below, we have gone for concrete. The driver neatly reversed a 20-ton mixer wagon as big as a furniture truck on to the drive, measured out 20 loads of concrete, wheelbarrowed it all 30 yards to the garden, tipped it, tamped it down and had a cup of tea. All done in half an hour. She was excellent.

THE one thing you must not do these days is express even the tiniest eyebrow-twitch of surprise that the driver/barrowman turns out to be a woman. And not a 1960s Soviet shot-putting sort of woman with a deep voice and stubble, but a size-10 blonde. She did the concreting. I made the tea. Next time she comes I might bake some scones.