A president caught with his pants down

JANUARY 14. Found a baby bird dead on the pavement where it had fallen from its nest. Nestlings in January. What sort of winter is this?

I BOUGHT a tin of white paint online. Twenty-four hours later an email arrived: "Thank you for taking the time to review Power Tools Direct. Why not share your review using the links below?" I am no stranger to reviews. I have been known to review TV programmes and stage shows. But what sort of review do you give a tin of white paint? I bought some paint. It was white. It was delivered by the postman. Am I missing something?

I REFERRED yesterday to the 58year-old team member on University Challenge who was described by one young tweeter as "the sweetest old lady of all time." Since when was 58 old? All young people ought to be told the horrible truth, that the years between 20 and 30 last about 20 minutes, and then things really speed up. If you are 29 you are already half way to being 58 and you'll be there before you have time to wonder where the years went. People in their 60s are really teenagers who think there's been a terrible error with the timekeeping.

IT IS important how the young regard the old. While my father was being treated for cancer we saw his medical notes which included an entry by a surgeon meeting him for the first time. The surgeon, a bright young thing in his 30s, described his new patient as "a very pleasant elderly gentleman." My father was 63 and was worried by the word. To him, "elderly" was code for "well, he's had a good innings".

I WROTE some days ago about London's massive expansion to become quite separate from the rest of England. This week the founder of Pai cosmetics, Sarah Brown, explained how she decided against the sales tag "Made in England" for her products. She chose "Made in London" because "it carries real weight." The rise of the city-state.

REMEMBER how superior the French used to be about unfaithful politicians? Oh, you English, they would snigger. You take ze adultery so seriously. We 'ere in France are so romantic, so sophisticated and so laid-back zat we 'ardly even take notice of such amours. And then their President Hollande has a liaison with an actress and all hell breaks loose. He starts whining about privacy and threatens to sue the magazine which broke the story (scratch a liberal, find a fascist) . His previous mistress, the First Lady of France, is admitted to hospital with a Gallic condition described as "un petit coup de blues." Not so laid-back after all, are they? Adultery hurts the sophisticated French just as much as it hurts Brits. The difference is that when British politicians are caught in the wrong bed, they don't shoot the messenger. They accept public ridicule as part of the price they pay for living in a democracy. And their spouses, gawd bless 'em, adopt a Churchillian stoicism for the cameras, maintain their dignity and would never dream of rushing off to hospital. The Bulldog Breed doesn't do privacy. And it certainly doesn't do the blues.

AND to those clots who say a politician's sex life is a private matter, do explain how a president scuttling around Paris on a scooter like a lovesick 20-year-old can be fully focused on serving his country.

MORE impossible medieval questions for University Challenge: 1) How many red herrings make a codpiece? 2) To the nearest florin, what do you get by adding three firkins to a bodkin? 3) Complete the opening of this popular Elizabethan song: "I hath three leeches in my kirtle and a papal bull in my . . ."