A year through the eyes of Peter Rhodes
How quickly it flew by. Here's 2013, as reported month by month in the Peter Rhodes column.
FEBRUARY. If you're wondering whether any issue could cause the Tory party more internal strife and pave the way for electoral defeat than same-sex marriages, it would surely be an attempt to lift the ban on foxhunting. They're working on it.
MARCH. Dammit, another Budget designed to reward "hard working people." Will nobody do anything for us layabouts?
APRIL. A week has passed and there's still no compensation for Bud, the police horse who got punched in the Newcastle football riot. Where are the neigh-win / neigh-fee lawyers?
MAY. After the discovery of a severed human ear at a cemetery in Buckhamshire, police said they would investigate if the ear proved to be "current rather than historic." I couldn't believe my currents.
JUNE. We are presumably supposed to be horrified or amused at the survey showing that some children think fish fingers contain chicken, and that cheese comes from plants. So here's one for us grown-ups. Question: what are hamburgers made of? Answer: we'll tell you when we get the DNA results.
JULY. A reader asks why the NHS is controlled by trusts when, in some cases, the last thing you'd ever do is trust them.
AUGUST. I have just bought a brand-new keyboard for my computer. It is made in China and cost me £4.50 in a high-street shop. That £4.50 has covered the factory workers' wages, the shipping charges, the advertising and the shop's profit. If you merely wanted to post it back to China, it would cost you £7.20. Remember the days when politicians seriously told British workers they had to compete with China?
SEPTEMBER. You will read (in large headlines) that a new report says the HS2 rail project could "boost the UK economy by £15 billion a year." You may read (in the small print) that this report was commissioned by HS2 Ltd.
OCTOBER. One charity reports this week that the number using its food banks has tripled in a single year, which reveals "the scandal of food poverty." Does it? Or does it simply prove that if you give anything away for nothing, people will queue up for it? If the pubs started offering free beer, I bet we'd see an awful lot of beer poverty.
NOVEMBER. For the first time in 300 years we may soon have a system where politicians scrutinise the Press, instead of the other way around. How will life change in a Britain where some of the power passes from the Press to the authorities? We may have had a worrying glimpse a few days ago. A news vendor half-a-mile from the Old Bailey was advised by a police officer to remove copies of Private Eye from display because the cover, featuring Rebekah Brooks as a wicked witch, might be "contempt of court." When do the book-burnings begin?
DECEMBER. How do you deal with an organisation which attempts to sexually segregate an audience on religious grounds? I'm with the emailer who suggests men should whisper earnestly to the stewards: "My religion says I must sit with females."
