Your finest contributions of 2013
I couldn't write this column without you says daily blogger Peter Rhodes. It's the daily arrival of your letters, comments and emails that reminds me how the stuff that makes the headlines is not always the stuff that tickles your fancy. Here, once again, is my end-of-year selection of your finest. With thanks.
AT ANOTHER carol concert, a reader swears he heard the line "Bring me pine logs, Hitler."
A READER tells me he was a little surprised when, having reinsured his vehicle online, the insurer asked whether he wanted the documents sent in large print or Braille.
I INVITED you to re-write great texts from history in modern terms. One reader offers this, from Winston Churchill: "I have nothing to offer but circulatory fluid, a rosy glow, the gentle application of elbow grease and blubbering and whimpering."
WHILE I enjoy your views on horse meat appearing in beefburgers, no more emails about Shergar, thanks. A reader writes: "I bought some burgers at the weekend . . . and they're off!
I HAD to read this letter a few times. A reader cheerfully recalls his schooldays: "I won an award for my punctuation. They gave me a posh trophy."
A READER asks: "If I sponsor a South African antelope at my local zoo, could I ask for it to be called Vlad the Impala?"
MORE curious married names. A reader informs me that her friend Gail married Mr Whale.
ANOTHER recalls that his father's Auntie was born Alice Ann Taylor Monks, and married a man called Taylor to become Alice Ann Taylor Taylor.
AND yet another writes: "My Aunt Valerie married a Mr Gallery."
ON the process of getting old, a reader offers this prayer: "Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference."
MANY thanks to the reader who sent me the instructions for a kitchen timer, made in China, which includes the useful advice: "Peg out the new battery plus or minus very put into, and press back the nome position the battery door."
A READER tells me his wife died last July and when his policy came up for renewal a few days ago, he was horrified to see the premium had increased by 50 per cent, because he is now the sole driver. He took it up with the call centre where a lady sympathised but refused to budge, explaining that this huge rise was "the industry standard." Funny, isn't it, how all those happy, snappy, chummy TV adverts for car insurance never mention this sort of thing?
I ASKED for examples of English signs in foreign places. A reader recalls this, seen in a hotel bedroom in Budapest: "Guests are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
EDUKASHUN corner. A reader reports the latest baked-beans offer at his local supermarket: two tins for £1 or a pack of four tins for £2.50.
I WROTE recently about Arthur Wynne who invented the crossword puzzle 100 years ago. My thanks to all of you who have written to let me know his plot in the cemetery is 4 across and 6 down.
A READER tells me he missed the Doctor Who 50th anniversary special at the weekend but is planning to catch it in 1957.
CLICHÉ corner. A reader asks why is it that we always "potter" in the garden? And why are electric lights left "blazing"?
A READER reports a BBC weather forecaster warning that a cold front would be "gambolling in from the Atlantic." Isn't it March that's supposed to go out like a lamb?
