50 years of lies, damned lies and EU whoppers

THE truth is out. Immigration Minister Mark Harper says it would actually be illegal for the UK to limit the number of Romanians and Bulgarians allowed into the country. This is why David Cameron has been flailing around trying to slap a sticking plaster over the regulations by restricting benefits to migrants. The reality is that we no longer enjoy the most basic legal right of any nation, to control its own borders. So in what sense are we still a nation?

INCIDENTALLY, does anyone remember Ted Heath mentioning a borderless continent when he lured us into the Common Market all those years ago? Was it ever explained to the voters by Wilson, Callaghan, Thatcher, Major, Blair, Brown or Cameron? The Libs, Labs and Cons are heading for a right old kicking from Ukip in next year's EU elections. And, for 50 years of lies, damned lies and betrayals, it will serve them all right.

PORRIDGE is a very healthy food but research by Kelloggs suggests that three-quarters of women add sugar, syrup or honey to their porridge and are "unknowingly" piling on calories. Unknowingly? I doubt it. It's all about taste. Do you want to start the day with a hot bowl of something delicious? Or would you rather have porridge in its raw, healthy state, tasting like wet cardboard? Me? I'm a double cream and Golden Syrup man.

IN A blitz on cycle safety, 600 officers were stationed at 60 dangerous junctions in London this week. Clearly, they were not all experts on bicycles and the law. Ben Watson was carrying his two little girls in a CargoBike which looks like a cross between a bike and a wheelbarrow when one officer inquired:"Is that bike legal?" As Mr Watson put it: "I thought, well, you're the policeman, surely you should be telling me whether it's legal or not."

BUT then the law is now so complex that no Pc can be expected to know it all. In an idle moment this week, dreaming of next year's sailing, I flicked through the Department of Transport regulations on lighting and number-plates for towing a boat trailer. War and Peace was an easier read.

TALKING of boats, I caused some irritation this time last year by suggesting I might spend my £200 winter-fuel allowance on a new sail for the boat. As the sail cost only £170, the gift from the Government seemed most generous. This year, however, I need a new outboard motor. It will cost at least £500, yet my winter-fuel allowance, which arrived a couple of days ago, is still only £200. Where do I complain?

THE Monty Python stage-show tickets were snapped up in a matter of minutes and are now for sale online at £1,000 or more. How marvellous it would have been if the Pythons had unveiled the first five shows, let the touts scramble to outbid each other for the tickets – and then announced another 50 shows. As the ticket prices fell, the profiteers would have been left seriously out of pocket, oh joy.

IN ONE of their early sketches lampooning the City, Monty Python flashed the caption ("SATIRE!") on screen in case anyone missed the point. Which leads me on to Mary Portas, the shopping guru who has single-handedly transformed Britain's ailing high streets into stylish, dynamic centres of soaring profits ("SATIRE!"). Her contribution to high-street happiness this week was to suggest that some charity shops are "a bit smelly and need sorting out." Just what you want to hear after a hard day at the dogs' home shop.

WHAT'S the biggest problem facing charity shops during the Christmas rush? Ask anyone who works in one. It's shoplifting. Tidings of comfort and joy, eh?