Best of Peter Rhodes - August 16

BORIS Johnson says Britain should show "the Falklands spirit" in the current spat with Spain over Gibraltar. So how do we do that, Boris? Send a Task Force south and kill another thousand young men?

HERE'S a better idea. Let us accept that the Empire is no more, that these rather odd, union-jack bedecked pimples on the map are an awkward legacy of imperialism and the sooner we get shot of them, the better. Gibraltar and the Falklands were acquired in the days when the ships of the British Empire needed refuelling ports. That role vanished years ago. We no longer need them and they are a hostage to fortune. No Government in Whitehall should be bound for all eternity by the wishes of far-off people to serve fish and chips and wave the union jack. When Margaret Thatcher boldly decided to hand Hong Kong back to China by 1997, she created enormous goodwill between London and Beijing and avoided any chance of a shooting war. Follow Boris Johnson's sabre-rattling and our next war could be fought on two fronts at the same time, in the Falklands and on Gibraltar, possibly with this reckless, mop-haired liability as our prime minister. God help us.

IN my TA days I did two tours of duty with the Gibraltar garrison. I have to report that, for all the chips, pubs, red phone boxes, tattoo parlours and union jacks, Gib felt about as British as Madrid. But a reader disagrees. His verdict is that Gib is "like Walsall with sunshine." The perfect advertising slogan.

IF YOU don't rejoice at the price of gas, food, public transport, electricity and water going up, then for goodness' sake, don't rejoice at the price of houses going up. It's all inflation.

ANDREW Ashworth and I are never going to agree on what to do with serial burglars. Professor Ashworth, a former chairman of the Sentencing Advisory Panel under Tony Blair, says those guilty of what he calls "pure property offences" involving no threat, violence or sexual assault, should never be jailed but should be fined, given community service and told to pay compensation. My view, as regular readers will be aware, is that serial burglars should be taken into a field and shot. Burglary kills people. Research by the Home Office a few years ago into the after-effects of burglary uncovered a tragic saga of people being terrified for years, forced to quit the family home they loved or even dying early as a result of trauma. Burglars, assisted by their legal-aid lawyers, like to portray themselves as rough diamonds. In reality they are the scum of the earth and probably cause more anguish than paedophiles. If Professor Ashworth's suggestion ever became law, it would be open season on householders by burglars who feared nothing from the courts. If we tried my firing-squad option, there would be a lot less burglary and everyone could sleep soundly at night. Except, of course, for burglars.

THE insurance industry is boasting of cutting motorists' premiums in 2012. Cynics will ask, where are they making up the money? On travel insurance, perhaps. A financial website reports that in 2012 some cancer survivors – even if they had been clear of the disease for years – were asked for premiums of up to £1,000 for a European holiday and more than £2,000 for the States. Any similar horror stories?

ECONOMICS for beginners. After six quarters in the red, the Eurozone manages one quarter in the black and, according to pundits, "the recession is over." Give it a while, shall we?

REJOICE with me for Mr Peter Addison of Graceton Security Company, 32 London Bridge Street, London, has written to tell me I have won £825,000 in a Spanish lottery. The cheque will be released as soon as I pay a "clearance fee" which is "a calculated amount based on the size of your win as required by Federal and International regulations." What's this? Dammit, in the small print Mr Addison (whose signature, curiously, reads "H N Hyndman") says I must keep this information confidential. Ah, well. Easy come, easy go.

SCIENTISTS in Michigan killed laboratory rats with an overdose of anaesthetic and noted a surge in their brains' electrical activity just before they died. The boffins believe this may explain the near-death experiences reported by many folk who have almost died and been revived. I once interviewed a road-accident victim who'd had such an experience. He was utterly convinced that what he saw was a glimpse of the afterlife. From that moment, he told me, he lost all fear of death. But we live in a scientific age and if scientists wish to spend a few days killing rats and demolishing a cherished belief in heaven, so be it. Let us hope for their sake that, when we die we do not discover that Heaven and Hell really exist and that the entire selection process for paradise or purgatory is run by dedicated teams of laboratory rats, with a few scores to settle.