Best of Peter Rhodes - July 26

FOR the technical, little Prince George is the heir apparent to the heir apparent to the heir apparent. Apparently.

I SUPPOSE it's too late to give the royal sprog a fourth forename, just to mark the fact that he was born on the hottest day of the year? King Scorchio the First sounds terrific.

A ROYAL myth that needs nailing is the claim that this little prince somehow "secures the monarchy." Nothing is more secure than the British monarchy because there are about 60 million of us in line for the throne. The rules of succession ensure that if the entire Windsor dynasty were wiped out tomorrow, the crown would pass to the closest uncle, nephew or cousin. If they mysteriously popped their clogs, the succession would continue via the Archbishop of Canterbury to the Lord Chancellor, Archbishop of York, Prime Minister, Lord President of the Privy Council and Speaker of the House of Commons. And if they all died, the crown would pass into the common herd. At some stage you and I, dear reader, are in the running. In fact, the arrival of a new prince has probably pushed you down the order of succession from about 45,876,107th to 45,876,108th. Even as we rejoice, we are usurped.

WHATEVER happened to republicanism? Until recently, those of us who thought a constitutional monarchy was a pretty neat thing were howled down by hordes of rabid anti-monarchists who told us sternly that kings and queens had no place in the modern world and that a British Republic was long overdue. But after a couple of riotously successful jubilees, a royal wedding, Her Majesty starring with James Bond at the Olympics and the arrival of Prince George, the republicans seem to have gone very quiet, not only in Britain but also in Australia where republicanism was once a force to be reckoned with. It always occurred to me that those who gracelessly snarled "another mouth to feed" at the news of every royal birth were inspired almost entirely by envy and a curious affection for a colourless constitution. The republicans have absolutely no answer to people enjoying themselves.

INCIDENTALLY, has there ever been a worse time to be Australian? Rubbish in the Olympics, rubbish in the rugby, rubbish in the Test and then the Yanks come along and bomb your Great Barrier Reef.

THE BBC Sport website asks: "Ashes 2013: Are Australia set for years as underdogs?" Shouldn't that be underdingoes?

MEANWHILE, in the deeper recesses of the internet, there is much sinister speculation about the nature of this new royal baby. I refer, of course, to the followers of David Icke, the former footballer and sports correspondent and now intergalactically-famous conspiracy theorist. Icke believes that the Windsors only appear to be humans when they are in public. When we are not looking, he says, members of the Royal Family revert to the shape-shifting, blood-eating, world-dominating reptiles they really are. So while the rest of the world is waving flags and opening the champagne, what follows is the sort of debate you can find online (and I promise not a word of it is made up): "Is David Icke correct in saying the royals are shape-shifting lizards? If true will Kate lay a big egg or have a human birth?" And the answer: "We need photographic evidence as proof. Duchess Catherine is human so she gives birth and won't lay an egg."

THE Arab-Israeli peace talks have resumed after three years in the wilderness. What happens next? Lo, on the seventh day of the talks the Palestinians shall say: "Verily, we will be desirous of Jerusalem as our capital, for behold it is our birthright unto all generations." And the children of Israel shall say: "Sod that for a game of Philistines. Jerusalem is our capital and our birthright unto all generations. See you in another three years?"

A SEX offender is on the run in Germany having chipped a hole in his cell in Hamburg using a spoon. Not a paedo-file, then?

THE headline which appeared to announce "Cameron to unveil online porn club" turns out to be "Cameron to unveil online porn curb." Must get some new reading glasses.

J K ROWLING has a bit of a downer on the tabloid Press. She appeared at the Leveson Inquiry where a succession of lawyers (noble, trustworthy pillars of society) denounced a succession of journalists (slimy, heartless guttersnipes). So guess which profession leaked Rowling's most precious secret – that she was "Robert Galbraith," author of the mystery, The Cuckoo's Calling? That's right, it was a lawyer. A lawyer in the firm that represents her. Such a noble profession, eh?

YES, it is an odd word. A reader asks why the NHS is controlled by trusts when, in some cases, the last thing you'd ever do is trust them.