Best of Peter Rhodes - July 12

SUMMER puzzle. How early do you have to get to the pub before the beer garden fills up with pensioners? Some of them in my local look as though they have been left out overnight.

ON the process of getting old, a reader offers this prayer: "Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference."

WHAT do you call a customer who natters into her mobile phone as she presents her trolley at the supermarket check-out? How about pig-ignorant? Yet when a Sainsbury's checkout lady in south London asked the customer to finish her phone call before she would operate the till, the customer complained and the supermarket apologised and gave her a £10 voucher. But as the social-networks erupted with support for the checkout lady, Sainsbury's seemed to develop some backbone. It is now supporting its worker and has welcomed a "wider debate on politeness." We don't really need a wider debate. Talking to a third party while expecting someone to serve you is simply rude. Would you chatter on the mobile in your GP's surgery or during an interview with your bank manager? Of course not. Supermarket staff deserve the same respect – unless, of course, you happen to regard them as a lower form of life.

"THESE smaller 'rat like' dogs look no more than a light snack to them." Dog owner emailing Sky News to explain why a Staffordshire bull terrier bit the head off a Pomeranian in Warrington.

THIS week saw the unveiling of a giant statue of Darcy in London's Serpentine. The Guardian informed us that it depicts "the notorious scene in the nation's favourite BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice, in which Colin Firth as Mr Darcy emerges wet-shirted and dripping from the lake of his country estate after an impromptu swim. In the same week, the Daily Telegraph announced that, according to a poll, the most memorable moment in TV drama was "Colin Firth's appearance, dripping wet as he emerged from a lake in Pride and Prejudice." The truth is, there was no such scene. In episode four of the BBC series we see Darcy (or rather, a stuntman) diving into the lake. We see him later strolling homewards in his wet shirt. But there is no rising-from-the-lake scene. It is one of those moments, like Sherlock Holmes saying: "Elementary, my dear Watson" or Captain Kirk ordering: "Beam me up, Scottie" that everyone thinks they remember but which never happened.

YOU will, however, see Darcy (Elliot Cowan) dripping in the lake in the Pride and Prejudice comedy spoof, Lost in Austen (ITV, 2008). Excellent stuff.

IT IS reported that a room in the European Parliament may be named after Margaret Thatcher. No, not that room. Actually, it might be an idea to name the WC after the late baroness. They could call it the Not for Turning Ladies.

WELL, knock me down with a ballot paper. It is alleged that the candidate-selection process in Falkirk may have been (you had better sit down before reading the next bit) nobbled. What's that? You are not surprised or even remotely shaken? No, me neither. This is probably because the selection of parliamentary candidates by political parties is often nobbled. There was a time when Old Harry, having served the party and the community faithfully as parish, town and county councillor for 20 years, would duly be offered the chance to stand as MP. These days, Old Harry is shoved aside as someone's husband, wife, lover or aide is parachuted in from Whitehall. Failing that, Old Harry is told, tough luck old boy, but it's going to be an all-female shortlist. Or perhaps the party decides it needs a candidate "to reflect the wider community". So Old Harry is again passed over, this time for a transgender Welsh-speaking amputee from Ecuador who doesn't actually know where the constituency is but ticks all the boxes at central office. The golden rule is that under no circumstances must the people of the constituency be allowed to choose their own candidate. The system was rotten long before the Falkirk row came along. Which is why, while Labour and Unite snarl at each other and the Tories make a big thing of it all, cynical Old Britain merely heaves a weary sigh.

LAST month it was £30 billion. Last week the Government announced it was £42 billion. This week Boris Johnson says it'll probably be £70 billion. The fastest thing about that unwanted, unnecessary, unaffordable white elephant known as HS2 is the cost. Judging by cost-inflation on other big projects, even Boris's forecast may prove far too low. How long before the bill for transporting people from London to Birmingham a mere 20 minutes earlier than at present passes £100 billion? Will no-one stop this madness?