Best of Peter Rhodes - June 7

KARL Lagerfeld, the fashion boss, says he loves his cat Choupette so much he'd like to marry her. Hell, why not? All over the world governments are tearing up the ancient rule about marriage being between a man and a woman. If it is homophobic to be against gay marriage, then surely it is speciist (felixophobic?) to deny Mr Lagerfeld matrimony with a moggie.

ACTUALLY, I bet that long before the first human-feline marriage, we will see a marriage of three people who wish to share their lives. Unless, of course, we are all terribly numerophobic. This one could run and run.

AND off to that great English institution, the agricultural show, where townies gawp at what goes on in the countryside. I had great sympathy for the line of pedigree rams who waited nervously for a judge to reach between their hind legs and squeeze their testicles. They reacted exactly as you would expect by trying to leap out of the ring. You don't see that sort of thing at the Mr Universe competition.

THE one thing missing from our local show was that essential part of modern life, a punch-up. Whacking total strangers for no particular reason, preferably in front of terrified children, is very fashionable. In the last few days alone, a village dog show in Kent descended into screaming matches and fist fights with punches being thrown at teenage volunteers. Some folk objected to their pooches not getting rosettes while others were unhappy at the parking arrangements. There was a punch-up, too, at the gates of an infant school in Cornwall. A row which began between two mothers escalated to the point where police had to use pepper spray to arrest a man who was attacking a woman. And before you dismiss this as the unspeakable underclass letting off steam, consider the case of the lawyer fined for assault last week for pushing a rail worker after being told he was too drunk to board the train. This middle-class charmer told the worker: "I'm a ****ing lawyer and you can't stop me."

I'm afraid we can't stop any of them. We can only avoid eye contact and hope they will leave us alone. The sad truth is that Britain today, at all levels and in all places, is absolutely awash with scum.

A READER tells me he was waiting at the lights when the car in front suddenly reversed into his car. The other driver was contrite and polite, exchanged details and said: "Don't report it to your insurance company; just send me the bill." Next thing he knew was that the other driver was claiming my reader had driven into him, causing him whiplash. To his fury, his insurer is proposing to settle what sounds like a deliberately staged incident on a 50:50 basis.

IF YOU think Britain's had a property crash, consider the apartment spotted for sale by a reader just back from Menorca. It has been reduced from 230,000 euros to 100,000 euros.

MANY thanks to the reader who sent me the instructions for a kitchen timer, made in China, which includes the useful advice: "Peg out the new battery plus or minus very put into, and press back the nome position the battery door." Similar efforts gratefully received.

WE are presumably supposed to be horrified or amused at the survey showing that some children think fish fingers contain chicken, and that cheese comes from plants. So here's one for us grown-ups. Question: what are hamburgers made of? Answer: we'll tell you when we get the DNA results.

SLEAZE in Parliament is like dust under the sofa. You suspect it's there all the time but you're still shocked at the quantity. As cash-for-questions raises its ugly head again, isn't it time for constituency associations to get a grip? They are the local party committees who select prospective MPs to represent the interests of local people. They hope their new MP will rage in Westminster against the disgraceful housing conditions on the Slagthorpe Estate. Instead, he is suddenly asking suspiciously well-informed questions in the House about Moldavian gold mines, Moroccan fishing-tackle imports and subsidies to veal producers in Iceland. Alarm bells should ring. The constituency association should then summon its MP and ask what the hell he's playing at, who's paying him and how does he fancy being deselected?

BAD news for anyone hoping to boldly go where no man has gone before. Nasa has calculated that the long space flight to Mars could expose astronauts to high levels of radiation which could cause cancer. Imagine the compensation they might have to pay. Dan Dare defeated the Mekon and Dr Who saw off the Daleks but mankind's real-life exploration of space may come to a juddering halt in an adventure called Nasa and the No Win / No Fee Lawyers.