Best of Peter Rhodes - May 10

AS THE Tories beef up the Queen's Speech to meet the challenge from Ukip, it's time to recycle and adapt the old Private Eye definition. How can you tell when a politician talking tough on immigration is lying? His lips move.

JUST back from five days in Rome, I encounter a curious phenomenon which tends to happen after holidays. The bathroom scales have malfunctioned.

I USED to travel a lot but it takes only a couple of Boeing-free years to forget the first rule of being abroad: The friendlier the locals seem, the more careful you should be. In the Via Cavour, like an idiot, I nodded vaguely at some grinning waiter's offer of "a very special wine for you," and was landed with an £18 bill for a half-bottle of dismal plonk before you could say Rimini. Later, a fawning café manager, smarming around the tables like a buttered snail, became our new best friend and offered me a free, complimentary glass of grappa. Examining the bill later, we found my free drink cost me £5. Lessons? Agree to nothing until you have seen the menu. Always ask for the "official receipt," not the scribbled scrap they prefer. And always decline the bread basket (no pane, grazie), unless you seriously want to pay £3 for four slices.

MY indignation at getting ripped off was made much more bearable by the usually canny Mrs Rhodes's purchase of a tiny travel torch from a Roman shopkeeper. He smiled sweetly and rooked her for £10. It reminded me of the old guide to haggling in foreign parts: If they ask 10, they mean eight, so they want six and it's worth four, so you offer two. It rarely works but it's fun.

WE WERE in Rome at the same time as Roger Bannister and three other Brits from Stourbridge who hit the headlines this week for being charged £54 for four portions of ice-cream. A Rome city councillor has described it as a scandal but the ice-cream stall owner, utterly unrepentant, says: "No-one forced them to order big ice-creams." True enough. And no-one forces tourists to go to Rome. The city's economy is stagnant and the Romans desperately need tourist money. It doesn't take too many stories like Roger Bannister's to make other trippers decide to go elsewhere.

MAY 16 has been designated National Aperitif Day. I assume it's sponsored by the British Dental Association.

CHARACTERS of our time. Columnist Mary Riddell identifies the saviour Labour has in mind to mend the broken economy. The Growth Fairy.

IN AMERICA they call it "white flight". Over here, the think-tank Demos prefers the term "majority retreat," to describe how thousands of white Britons are moving away from ethnic-minority areas. But it's a poor term because it suggests the fleeing whites are the losers. In fact, as Demos points out, the real victims are members of ethnic minorities who become more isolated. Trevor Phillips, former chairman of the Equalities Commission, says it "isn't good news for the cause of integration." And which cause might that be? For as long as I can remember, integration has been a dirty word. Politicians and "community leaders" alike have urged us towards a multicultural Britain where differences of language, dress and tradition are celebrated. Anyone who warned that Britain would end up like the Tower of Babel was denounced as a racist. And now we see the results. Welcome to ghetto Britain.

THIS week sees the start of events to commemorate the 1939-45 Battle of the Atlantic, the longest naval battle in history. Five thousand Allied ships were sunk with 30,000 sailors killed. I recall an old merchant seaman describing the dread of being torpedoed on a ship carrying iron ore, of sleepless nights in full clothing and lifejacket, in the hope that if the torpedo struck, he might just have time to get to a lifeboat. He said he always preferred sailing on ships laden with ammunition. When the only outlook was one big bang and no hope, he found he slept much better.

THE DUCHESS of Cornwall attended the State Opening of Parliament, wore a tiara and sat close to the Queen. She becomes more regal with every public event. Yet the Prince of Wales's official website today is still insisting: "It is intended that The Duchess will be known as HRH The Princess Consort when The Prince of Wales accedes to The Throne." Does anyone seriously believe this? Bit by bit, as memories of Diana fade, our nation is being groomed for the prospect of Queen Camilla. And whyever not?

FIGURES obtained under the Freedom of Information Act reveal that hundreds of thousands of crimes, including 90 per cent of thefts from vehicles in London, are "screened out" by police as not being worth detailed investigation. A spokesman for the Association of Chief Police Officers says: "It should be emphasised that any crime that presents solvability factors should receive appropriate investigation." Does anyone investigate crimes against the English language?