Best of Peter Rhodes - March 29

DAVID Miliband is quitting British politics to become president and chief executive of the International Rescue Committee which is apparently in New York. Own up. How many of us thought it was based on Tracy Island?

ED MILIBAND says the political scene will be "a poorer place" without his brother David. This is the same Ed Miliband who stabbed David in the back to get the Labour leadership. "Breathtaking gall" doesn't even begin to describe it.

TALKING of warring families with a tendency to impale each other on sharp objects, I was at Stratford this week for a memorable Hamlet starring Jonathan Slinger as the Dane. There aren't many laughs in it but the one about the Brits never fails. Hamlet appears to be going mad and his stepfather packs him off to England. Why England? The gravedigger explains: "He shall recover his wits there; or, if he do not, it's no great matter (because) there the men are as mad as he."

A SCHOOL in Essex has banned triangular flapjacks after one was thrown, hurting a pupil. A reader says this should be only the beginning of the campaign to stamp out three-sided foodstuffs: "What about Dairylea segments, Toblerone and those green chocolate triangles in Quality Street? Lethal."

ALTERNATIVELY, perhaps the school could try to do something to prevent its pupils from throwing food at each other. Go on, call me a rabid old reactionary.

MEANWHILE, back at the Royal Shakespeare Theatre, traditional applause was drowned out by some theatregoers whooping while others whistled through their fingers or stood up and clapped with arms fully extended, blocking the view of those behind. It is selfish, show-offish and quite unnecessary for there is nothing more potent at the end of a great show than the mighty crescendo of 1,000 pairs of hands. Perhaps the whoopers and whistlers would be happier following baseball.

A 14-year-old girl is savaged to death by four dogs and the old, old cry goes up: "It's not the breed, it's the owners." So why was no-one surprised when we heard that the breeds in this tragedy were bull mastiffs and Staffordshire bull terriers?

THINGS we don't remember voting for. Britain's search-and-rescue helicopter service, starring the Duke of Cambridge, is to be replaced by the American-based company Bristow. So there you are, five miles out to sea on your airbed with the rescue helicopter approaching and you are mentally rehearsing the line: "Thank, you so much, your Royal Highness." And your rescuer turns out to be someone called Chuck from Ohio who has iceberg-white teeth and says "truly awesome" rather a lot. Has it come to this?

NURSES are to be taught how to nurse. A nation rejoices. But while it may seem common sense to put trainee nurses on wards and teach them the basics of feeding, washing and toilet care, there is one problem. It is the worrying fact that a certain percentage of the population are not caring people. And as anyone in the NHS will tell you, a number of these people, who should never be allowed within a mile of sick and vulnerable people, somehow gravitate into the medical profession, both on the wards and in management. They are brusque and unkind. But above all they are bullies and they can very quickly browbeat and corrupt younger, better health workers into bad ways. While the latest back-to-basics scheme is to be commended, it will not produce kinder wards until NHS bosses have the moral courage to deal with the bullies just as they would deal with a cancer, and cut them out.

LIKE so many untried comedies, the new series Plebs is unveiled on a minority channel, ITV2, before transferring to mainstream telly. Why the wait? This is a cracking little series, set in Ancient Rome with some modern twists. There is something irresistibly daft about the Roman lady Flavia (Doon Mackichan) who turns up for the weekly orgy not only with her husband but also with her loyalty card. Catch it.

THIS will make you smile. Or at least it will if you are not part of that mirthless bunch of climate-change Jesuits who belch fire and brimstone at me every time I innocently ask why global warming seems to make things colder. This is an extract from a report in The Independent, only 13 years ago in March 2000, as a very mild winter made way for spring. It begins: "Britain's winter ends tomorrow with further indications of a striking environmental change: snow is starting to disappear from our lives." It goes on to quote a senior scientist at the University of Kent climate-research unit who predicts confidently that within a few years, winter snowfall will become "a very rare and exciting event." He declares: "Children just aren't going to know what snow is." Apart, that is, from the millions of British kids who have had more sledging in the past six months than their forbears had in most of the 20th century. Disappearing snow? Pull the other one.

A COUPLE of winters ago I commented on how many cars had duff light bulbs. A number of you pointed out the ruinous expense of getting a garage to replace them. Things are no better. The consumer watchdog Which? reports one garage's quote for fitting a bulb to a Nissan sports car - an eye-watering £295