Best of Peter Rhodes - December 7

THANKS for the suggestion but William and Kate are not going to call the kid Josey Wales.

AND now a few words on the health benefits of being a lardarse: "If she (Kate) wasn't so damn skinny she'd have a bit of fat to cope with the weight loss and dehydration. She doesn't, hence the need to hospitalise her as her thinness increases her risk factor." (From Sky News website, where all opinions are equally valid).

REJOICE, for the law will be changed to prevent females being discriminated against in the succession to the British Crown. Whatever sex it happens to be, William and Kate's baby will one day be monarch, because it will be the oldest of their children. Is that fair? By automatically crowning the oldest kid, we are swapping one form of discrimination (sexism) for another (ageism). Why should the second or third child not be monarch? How dare the system deny them the top job just because, by an accident of history, they are younger? If my argument strikes you as nonsense today, bear in mind that the very idea of sexually-equal succession would have seemed treason, or even heresy, only 50 years ago. William and Kate's child is unlikely to take the throne for another half-century and you can bet your life that our views and values that seem so reasonable to us in 2012 will seem bonkers to our great-great grandchildren.

ACTUALLY, the best and most traditional way to choose the monarch is for the rival claimants to assemble about 20,000 terrified peasants each on a bit of open ground (Edgehill, Towton, etc) and command them to bash each other's brains out. Winner takes all.

A READER writes: "If journalists are instructed to support one political group over another, is that freedom of the Press or a form of journalistic dictatorship?"

Actually, it is freedom of the Press. It is the freedom of any editor or proprietor to support any political party they choose. The journalist is free to work for any newspaper he likes. The readers are free to buy newspapers that reflect their politics. Many British newspapers, both national and regional, were born out of political activism and the desire to change the world. That is why we have such a rich and varied Press. Television broadcasters are bound by law to be politically balanced, and are overseen by Ofcom. Newspapers are free of such rules but we have plenty of enemies who would relish the Press being brought under Ofcom's control.

"Political balance" has a sweet, reasonable ring but it is the antithesis of a free Press. And if we went down that road, with every column inch analysed for political bias and balance, Britain would only need one newspaper. We could call it Truth or as they say in Russia, Pravda.

RIGHT. I believe I have got to the bottom of the famous Scottish scoreline which I misquoted some days ago as: "East Fife four, Forfar five." From the deluge of your emails that followed (few of which agreed with each other) these appear to be the facts. On April 22, 1964 the two clubs met and the scoreline was Forfar four, East Fife five. Some years later The Two Ronnies used this as the basis for a spoof half-time score which went: "East Fife five, Forfar so far four."

And it's good night from me.

OUR changing language. In its UK adverts, Sony promotes its latest laptop as "What your hands have been practicing for." Only if your hands are in the United States. Over here the verb is "practising" with an S, not a C. You'd think a computer would be able to remember that, wouldn't you?.

IT SOUNDED so simple didn't it? Gay marriage would give same-sex couples the same wedding ceremonies, in register offices and other approved places, as straight couples. The snag is that English Law likes to have things properly defined. No wedding is legally recognised in England until it has been consummated. It is reported that Government lawyers are having problems defining "consummation" in a gay or lesbian relationship. And they are no closer to deciding what constitutes "adultery" for divorce purposes. The latest plan is to let the courts sort it all out. Whatever goes on under the sheets, the lawyers will always come out on top.

ED MILIBAND'S nasal problems seem worse now than before his operation. It is hard to score a political point if you can't even pronounce the Prime Minister's name. Debbid Cabberod?

A SURVEY reveals that more that two-thirds of workers are embarrassed by their jobs and lie to make them sound more interesting. I had a pal who got a job putting up "for sale" signs for an estate agent. He called himself an information technologist.