Best of Peter Rhodes - June 2

A LARGISH lady came wobbling down the street towards me with a T-shirt which seemed to have a life of its own and had the slogan: "Make Cupcakes, Not War." I would not mind betting that, in the past 50 years, sugar has killed far more Brits than war.

IN FACT, the wartime civilian generation which survived on a low-sugar, low-fat diet of just 1,200 calories a day from 1939-45 is one of the fittest we have ever produced. This explains why there are so many of them still about.

MORE on imaginative sales slogans used by drainage and sewerage firms. A reader reports seeing a "honey wagon" (sludge tanker) with the words on the cab: "Sempre nella merda". This is a family newspaper, so get your own Italian dictionary.

I FEEL sorry for those Olympic flame bearers who are being pilloried for trying to sell their torches on eBay. The argument seems to be that making money is at odds with the Olympic ideal. Poppycock. From the massive salaries awarded to the organisers, to the vast sponsorship deals for those famous health-food companies Cadbury and Coca-Cola, the 2012 Olympics is 100 per cent about money. Flogging a second-hand torch on the internet merely shows that, where the Olympic bosses lead in the freeestyle moneymaking, Joe Public will follow – and good luck to him.

WE ALL remember the number plate of our first car (CNP 464, since you ask), but a survey this week reveals that one-third of British drivers cannot give the number of their present vehicle. No surprises there. The new format (BG60FLR, etc) was launched on the promise that it would be easier to remember. We knew at the time it was a Whitehall whopper and now the truth is revealed.

ANOTHER survey reports that thousands of Brits cannot afford to retire. I have a theory that retiring is like having kids. If you wait until you can afford it, you'll never do it.

I FIRST met Tony Blair in the 1990s when he was shadow home secretary. He struck me as shifty back then, remained shifty in Downing Street and was as shifty as ever at the Leveson Inquiry. He is, above all, consistent.

AT the inquiry, Blair was treated like some great elder statesman. Did you find yourself thinking back to how he led us into war in Iraq on false evidence? Did you recall the dodgy £1 million donation to Labour in the 1997 Formula 1 affair? Did you remember that this was the only premier in history who felt the need to tell a deeply suspicious Britain: "I'm a pretty straight sort of guy"? And can you imagine how it would be if we lived in the Republic of Britain, and Blair or some career politician like him became Britain's president, commander-in-chief, guardian of our values and the national figurehead representing 1,000 years of British history and tradition? It is people like Tony Blair who make me thankful that Britain is a constitutional monarchy. So as the Diamond Jubilee approaches, here's a health unto Her Majesty who, in thousands of speeches over the past 60 years, has never once needed to tell us she is a pretty straight sort of girl.

A READER reports what she calls "an irresistible incentive for buying a new house". The builders' advert declares: "Pay your deposit before August, and we will turf your rear." As she points out, the Spanish have a word for it. Gracias.

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HOME Secretary Theresa May says measures are in hand to deal with any influx of Greek citizens if Greece withdraws from the euro. Daft idea. Here's a better plan Let's welcome all the young, educated, well-motivated Greeks with open arms. At the same time, let's send a few shiploads of our own feckless, illiterate, home-grown skivers in the other direction with a one-way ticket to the Greek islands and £1,000 worth of lager vouchers. Result: no net increase in UK population and happiness all round.

MORE on the opening of hospital windows to release the souls of those who have just died. In the interests of balance, a senior nurse still working in the NHS tells me she has never heard of such a practice. However, a retired nurse recalls a death on her ward in the 1960s just as a particularly fierce Matron began her rounds: "Open that man's window this instant, and let his kindly soul free!" yelled the Matron. The old nurse says the memory "still sends shivers down my spine."

A REGULAR correspondent who is a hard-headed fund of common sense says after his beloved partner died in hospital, he left his porch light on for three nights to guide her soul back home, and he still can't explain why.

ANOTHER reader says he has never opened a window for a soul but he always hangs a towel over the bath to let the spiders escape, and does this count?

A READER paints this charming picture of Britain in sunshine. The band was playing in her town square. Grown-ups and toddlers sat on the walls to watch the show. The local drug dealers arrived, smiling cheerfully in the sunshine and began flogging dope to their regulars. And although everyone could see the buying and selling of drugs in the broadest of broad daylight, the band played on. The police band, since you ask