Mark Andrews: Brooklyn's privacy conundrum, computers in schools, and Lanyards 1, Hero bus driver 0

In his rather self-aggrandising statement about his spat with his parents, Brooklyn Beckham said he hoped he and his wife could now achieve 'peace, privacy and happiness', which sounds the sort of thing Meghan Markle would say.

Don't know about the peace and happiness stuff, but the privacy thing is dead easy. Brooklyn works as a chef, and I'm sure there are plenty of chefs who will tell him just how simple it is to preserve your anonymity. Just go to work in a restaurant, pub or hotel, get on with your cooking and stay in the kitchen. No-one will see you in there, honest, at least not unless you invite a film crew in. 

And when you're not at work, just stay at home, or do normal things like other chefs do. Wear normal clothes. Lay off social media. Don't post pictures of yourself buying £17,000 bottles of wine. You will be amazed at how quickly those media vultures will forget about you. 

And, most of all, don't issue a media statement when you fall out with your mum and dad. 

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Mark Hehir was working as a bus driver in London when a robber snatched a necklace from the neck of a young, female passenger. 

He gave chase, recovered the necklace, and the young lady was grateful. When the thief returned and threw a punch at Mr Hehir, the driver punched him back, knocking him to the ground. He detained him for 30 minutes until police arrived. 

So how did Mr Hehir's bosses react when they heard about his heroism? Hurriedly organise a photocall with the grateful lady, and bung him £50 of garden-centre vouchers to show their appreciation? Well you've probably heard by now that they fired him.

One of the lanyards at Metrolink reckoned that the thief had actually returned and wanted to shake the victims hand and apologise. Where do they get these people from? Maybe getting rid of jury trials is not such a bad thing after all.

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Should social.media be banned for under-18s? 

Yes, I think so. But then again, I don't think under-18s should have the vote, either. So I guess I'm just an out-of-touch stick in the mud, even if I am red hot on all the latest youth slang, and know my Robin Thicke from my Amy Macdonald.

It does seem that the teaching profession agrees with me though. According to the Times Educational Supplement, 97 per cent of teachers think such a ban should exist. A combination of toxic influences such as Andrew Tate, and children spending hours on end staring at a screen,  is not conducive to producing well-rounded individuals. 

But if schools are concerned with the amount of time children are spending on-screen, shouldn't they lead by example? I regularly hear anecdotal reports of homework being set on the internet, and even using telephone apps. I've even heard reports of schools telling parents that every pupil needs a tablet or a laptop, and offering to sell them on easy payment terms.

I understand that Covid forced a lot of lessons online, but that was a long time ago now, and it's time things went back to normal. Dump the computers and go back to exercise, blackboards and chalk. Digital detox, if you like. I bet it would save the taxpayer a fortune.