What can we expect in 2026? Toby Neal shares his predictions for British politics, royals and public life

There are some years that are a bit rubbish, like 2025, and some that are all peace and love, like 1967. Past performance is no guide to future performance, but based on the way things have been going, here are a few predictions for the coming 12 months.

January: There are dawn raids across Britain by hate crime police on the homes of members of the Royal Variety Performance audience suspected of booing when Sir Keir Starmer's name was mentioned. A Government spokesman/woman/other says: "Let this be a message that there is no room for hate in modern Britain and those who show intolerance will be met by the full force of the law."

February: Alastair Campbell is appointed special government adviser on Brexit affairs.

March: A royal formerly known as Prince is spotted roaming free on estate land in north Norfolk. Hordes of photographers descend in an attempt to get a shot in what is declared the only legal form of hunting left in Britain.

April: Teaching unions welcome the introduction of Nigel's Law which requires teachers to make careful notes of children's activities in the playground in case any of them later reaches a significant position in public life.

May: In an amazing reversal of their appalling bad luck in the first half of the season Wolves turn things round to escape relegation on goal difference in what is called "The Miracle of Molineux."

June: As record numbers arrive across the English Channel on small boats, Zack Polanski hails the influx of so many engineers, doctors, nurses, and care workers.

July: England and Scotland meet in the World Cup Final in an epic match which showcases to the world all that is best in British football, and sets new records for the number of players sent off and injured in a World Cup game. Alastair McKallaster's unbiased commentary of the pivotal moment when a Scottish forward theatrically throws himself to the ground in the English penalty area in the 90th minute will echo through history. "Definite penalty by the English THE CHEATS THAT THEY ARE!" After the victory the SNP immediately calls for an independence referendum. Again.

August: With Shropshire Council desperately fighting off bankruptcy, libraries are closed, bin collections are suspended, and parking charges are increased 3,000 per cent to ensure the council's flag removal team remains fully funded and can continue its lifesaving work. 

September: In one of his trademark transactional negotiations, Donald Trump agrees to drop his action against the BBC in return for becoming its next Director General.

October: West Park in Wolverhampton and Telford Town Park are designated as post-industrial grey belt land and are earmarked for what are described as exciting opportunities for much-needed new housing.

November: Rachel Reeves delivers yet another "Budget for Growth" against a backdrop of new figures showing that the number of pensioners and people on benefits in Britain now exceeds the number of people actually working.

December: An emotional (for him) Sir Keir Starmer makes a broadcast to the nation announcing that the UK has joined the EU single market and customs union at a very modest cost of £1 billion a week in a deal which also involves Gibraltar being sold to Spain for one euro. "See, you didn't feel a thing," he says. This completes his reset with the EU. Labour says no referendum will be needed, and ordinary Britons probably wouldn't understand the issues anyway. Alastair Campbell is knighted in the New Year Honours.

..........

You'd have to be off your head to want to drive at night nowadays. Because some of the people our there must be off their heads.

Driving on Wolverhampton ring road the other Saturday night speeding cars were weaving in and out of the traffic. On Stafford Street I was indicating to move into the inside lane when a car undertook, zooming past at about 70mph. The speed limit on the road is 40mph.

There was a speed camera van about three miles further on, but I suspect the speed maniacs know all about that and turn off well before.