Delusional soap fans are getting in a lather

I say 'bumped into', but it was more a case of eavesdropping on a conversation the lady in question was having with a pal as they marked time in front of me in the supermarket checkout queue.

I'm referring to the disturbing breed of armchair telly addict who appears to believe that our beloved British soap operas, and their colourful characters, are for real.

They think it's perfectly normal to send a sympathy card to Granada studios for Coronation Street's forlorn corner shop owner Dev after the love of his life perished in the Rovers Return fire, or, worse still, actually splash out on a Christening gift for the latest new arrival in Emmerdale.

Yes, really!

This particular lady in the queue (let's call her Betty because that sounds like a popular soap opera name) was waffling on about how she'd felt compelled to pen a letter to poor old Tyrone during his bullied-husband storyline in Corrie earlier this year.

"Poor lamb, I just had to let him know the people were on his side," she told her pal, who was drinking it all in with furrowed brow, as if the crisis affected one of the most-cherished members of her own family.

"I kept it short and sweet," Betty went on. "Just said 'Tyrone, keep your chin up son' and told him not to worry, because the real culprit would some unstuck eventually. Smiley face."

I could hardly believe what I was hearing. Tellingly, the note sounds like it wasn't even addressed to Alan Halsall, the bloke who plays the role, but the fictitious character himself.

Such delusion really does beggar belief. I wanted to interject, but where do you start? Anything I could think of saying was either going to incite a nasty and humiliating row in a very public place, or deliver some home truths which might just break poor Betty's heart.

It did occur to me that this tomfoolery might actually have been a set-up for some sort of candid camera prank. But soap actors reveal that it happens all the time.

Derek Martin, who played cuddly cabbie Charlie Slater in EastEnders, confirms he regularly came into contact with viewers who believed the storylines really happened.

"People used to come up to me and say, Charlie, why is that Kat having a go at you? They really believe it. I mean, they send wreaths in for funerals and children's clothes in for births."

No wonder Michelle Keegan has expressed a desire to see her character, Tina, exit Weatherfield as 'a good person' when she quits the show. She knows it could save her months of verbal abuse on the streets from muddle-minded fans incapable of separating fact from fiction.

It's one thing when our busy working lives stop us from going out, meeting people, and enjoying a social life, and leave us resorting to watching fictional people doing it instead.

It's not even a big deal to spend our free time discussing what those fictional people did, and why we think they did it.

But when we can't spot the dividing line between what's real, and what's completely makebelieve, it's time to ditch the billions of pounds we spend on aid to under-developed countries, and use it to employ an army of shrinks at home instead.

Read Carl Jones' column first each week in your Weekend Express & Star