Men's body hang-ups: Weight woes and hair despair

Beefy Ben Cohen shows off his portly physique' screamed the headline on MailOnline's 'sidebar of shame'.

Give it a rest. The rugby player wasn't showing off anything. He's a man, on holiday on the beach, getting papped to within an inch of his life.

I'd be delighted to be 'carrying a few more pounds' if I looked like that – all broad shoulders, tree trunk legs and biceps. If Cohen doesn't measure up, I never will.

But I'm not what you'd call an Alpha male. As far as the Greek alphabet goes I'm more towards the Gamma end (or Gammon, actually, with a dollop of mustard).

I'm scrawny and flabby in the wrong places. I have an absurdly long neck and laughably tiny feet, moles on my back, a stomach that's 90 per cent flab and the beginnings of a moob cleavage whose milkshake absolutely will not bring the boys (or girls) to the yard.

I could tell you I'm fine with all that and that I'm perfectly happy in my own skin. I'm not though. I'd far rather be in someone else's but not in a creepy Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs way.

1 The stomach – or should that be beer belly. Many fellas are ashamed of their paunch and slight overhang with some admitting they don't like their other half to see.

2 Muscles – a lot of blokes are envious of their mates pecs, biceps, triceps and pretty much any other bit of brawn they may possess.

3 Unwanted hair – men can get hairy in places they wish they didn't. Ears, nose, cheekbones and shoulders are common spots not to mention the infamous 'monobrow'.

4 Not enough hair – going bald can leave many blokes feeling self-conscious and unattractive.

5 Size matters – it's a big issue with the gents, what's downstairs can really affect their confidence.

And I could tell you that men feel the pressure about body image as much as women.

But I don't speak for all men. Heck, I don't even speak the same language as them most of the time (football, what's that all about?).

All I can tell you is that I feel the pressure when it comes to body image and feel ashamed.

The men in adverts are always toned, oiled up and look like they're shoplifting a Taste The Difference sausage in their under crackers.

I get that. The whole point of an advert is to present an ideal, something to aspire to be that purchasing that particular product can help you to achieve. It's just marketing and you're weak if you fall for it just because David Beckham's been paid to flog it.

My self-consciousness bleeds into real life as well though. Some men don't feel this way. There are those who just don't care and good for them. But then there are the exhibitionists. In one of my once-an-ice-age attempts to 'get fit' I was going to the gym a few times a week.

Every time I'd arrive, there would be a bloke standing absolutely starkers in the changing room, towelling himself off with everything on show swinging backwards and forwards. He'd put his leg up on the bench.

This would continue while I'd get changed, put my clothes in the locker, tie up my trainer laces and fill my water bottle.

By the time I'd finished my workout, showered and dressed he'd still be there, still towelling off, still swinging from side to side.

Instead of trying to change myself, I've developed a simple solution: Hide.

On the very, very rare occasions I go to the gym, I'll head home to shower. If I've decided to go swimming, I'll have arrived with my swim shorts on under my trousers in place of pants, then pull them up above my belly button to cover the gut.

Afterwards I'll stand facing into the corner of the changing room, towel wrapped around my middle. The system is quick – trunks off, pants straight on.

Or to put it another way: In, out and definitely don't shake it all about.