TV review: Big Brother - Live Launch

Thirteen years ago, you see, BB took Britain by storm with a fresh, new approach to reality television.

Cheeky-chappie builder Craig Phillips and his fellow guinea pigs had no idea what they were letting themselves in for. They didn't even know if anyone was bothering to tune in, so there was an honesty and realism to their antics.

These days, there's no such innocence, and that initial storm is more of a gentle breeze which, in recent times, has been smelling like it's drifted in from the local landfill site. Stale, and frankly rather unpleasant.

Brian Dowling, once voted the ultimate BB housemate, took over hosting duties from Davina McCall when the show was dragged off the Channel 4 scrapheap by Five a couple of years ago.

Happily, he's been jettisoned before getting the chance to complete a painful transformation before our very eyes into a Frankie Howerd tribute act, with his ill-fitting jacket and camp, clumsy 'ooh missus' one liners.

And so, step forward the West Midlands' own ladette Emma Willis, who has graduated from the role of spin-off show queen to fully-fledged anchorwoman and is a far safer, slicker pair of hands. The spirit of Davina with a 21st century 'down with the kids' vibe. Good choice.

"This is the event of the summer," she boasted rather optimistically. What? Don't tell me they've gone and cancelled The Ashes just because that Aussie cricket thug thumped our English batting star in the pub?

Happily not. After that bold claim, the competitors emerged, and the rot started to set in. Not what you'd term a 'normal' everyman or woman among the initial 10-strong line-up, a 'sex shack' tree house in the garden and a seedy stage for immature exhibitionists.

There was Jemima the gold-digger who describes herself as a Sarah-Jessica Parker lookalike (SJP should sue), chunky checkout operator twins Jack and Joe (the public will love 'em), fire-eating DJ Sallie who arrived dressed like a Daisy Duke gnome and appears to drink wine out of jam jars (can't see the same sort of public love coming her way), and image-obsessed sports coach Callum (bit forgettable, the jury's out on him).

The oddball conveyor belt continued with chirpy 'hard core lesbian fisherwoman' Wolfy (my early favourite – but why did Peter Kay spring to mind?), deaf Welsh stockroom assistant Sam (thinks he looks like 1D's Harry Styles), fake-tanned blonde dental assistant Sophie (don't call her an Essex girl), and celebrity publicist Dexter, a playboy who declares: 'I don't just break the headlines, I make the headlines' (sorry, shouldn't a brat this cocky and objectionable be on The Apprentice?)

This year's show has been billed Big Brother: Secrets and Lies. We already know what the lie is – it's not the event of the summer. But the secret? One of the housemates, Irish charmer Michael, is actually an actor tasked with 'messing things up' for the others. The people's puppet, if you will.

So far, the casting couch for BB 2013 has barely ventured north of Watford gap, but six more housemates will be thrown in tonight, including a mother and daughter. Still time for the West Midlands to get a look-in yet, then.

So there it is. Big Brother's back with its bluff, bluster and bitchiness.

It's scary to think most teenagers have never known a summer without the diary room or Marcus Bentley's iconic Geordie voiceover.

But there's no getting away from the fact that the people who sign up these days aren't in it for the social experiment any more . . . they're just hoping to selfishly kick-start a showbiz career.