Best of Peter Rhodes - April 12

THE First World War kicked off in Bosnia. Argentina invaded the Falklands. North Korea is threatening to attack Guam. It is a worrying theme of history that wars tend to start in places you can't find on the map.

A SURVEY reveals that the worst thing you can say to a plump but non-pregnant woman is: "When's the baby due?" At least it's better than: "Twins, is it?"

GIRL Guides have voted overwhelmingly for the Sun to scrap its Page 3 nudes. I bet they are pushing at an open door. Rupert Murdoch hinted only a few weeks ago that he was considering the future of the tabloid's daily diet of flesh. If mighty Murdoch bows to the will of the Girl Guides it will win him a little credit in these dodgy, post-Leveson times.

TALKING of which, hasn't it all gone very quiet on the proposed Royal Charter to regulate the Press? We seem to have reached the stage where most politicians support it but most of Fleet Street seems unwilling to sign up to it. Maybe if we are all very, very quiet, it'll go away.

I DID not much care for Maggie Thatcher or some of the changes she wrought. But I find it odd that so many people who were barely out of their prams when she was in power have such violent opinions about her. If you can't remember the 1970s, you are entitled to your opinion but your rage is purely bogus.

COMMUNISTS turned out in Glasgow to celebrate the death of Mrs Thatcher. Lest we forget, Communism was the vilest social experiment of the modern age. In terms of human misery and numbers slaughtered, state communism eclipsed even Hitler's Holocaust. From China to the borders of western Europe communism was a creed where individuals counted for absolutely nothing. Tens of millions were starved to death for the greater good of the Party. Whole populations were deported. Dissenters were packed off to gulags, never to be seen again. Eastern Europe became a slave empire of Mother Russia and the penalty for trying to escape was to be machine-gunned at the Berlin Wall. State communism is a bloody stain on the memory of the 20th century. And yet people who call themselves communists gathered to demonstrate against Margaret Thatcher because they think she was uncaring. You really couldn't make it up.

SO FAREWELL, Paris Brown, the 17-year-old "youth police and crime commissioner" (no, I don't remember voting for them either). She has resigned after messages she posted on Twitter were denounced as racist and homophobic. Part of me feels sorry for her. We all do stupid things as kids and it was a lot easier in a pre-Twitter age to be forgiven and to move on. These days, one daft, drunken remark can haunt you for ever.

THE most cringe-making few minutes on telly these days is surely the advert for Sky TV starring those two fine actors Ruth Jones and Robert Lindsay. What on earth were they thinking of? I am sure they have every confidence in Sky yet they deliver their lines, in praise of Sky's "production values" and family-friendly dramas with all the conviction of two prisoners-of-war at a show trial. Bizarrely, in the closing moments, Lindsay is seen rubbing his nose which, as any body-language expert will tell you, is a sign that someone may be lying. Why wasn't that edited out?

THEY say daylight is the best disinfectant. Press exposure of compensation claims made by thousands of police officers reveals that something is rotten in the system and must be cleansed. We now know that about 2,000 officers a year are being awarded damages, often for slipping, tripping or falling on private property while responding to 999 calls. And in each of those 2,000 cases, we are seriously supposed to believe it was all somebody else's fault. Do you buy that? Me neither.

ANYWAY, Home Secretary Theresa May has ordered a review of police compensation and not before time. But she will have a hell of a job dismantling this well-established little arrangement which seems to benefit just about everyone except the person who dials 999. Officers are encouraged to claim by the Police Federation which, like all trade unions, likes to offer its members occasional sweeteners. No win / no fee lawyers obviously benefit from the business coming their way. The insurance industry is happy to settle these cases, rather than fight them in court, because it knows it can recover the money by hiking premiums. And the poor customer is stuck with his insurer because once he's claimed on his policy, no other company will touch him. It seems plain wicked that people who are the victims of crime should find themselves sued by officers coming to their aid. But just because something is wicked, that doesn't make it illegal. As any cop will tell you.

THIS gem is from the Daily Telegraph obituaries page this week: "William Moody: Qualified funeral director and embalmer who made a career change to enthral wrestling fans as Paul Bearer." A classic of the genre.