Best of Peter Rhodes - July 26

OUR changing language. What is understood these days by the old request "a pint of best, please?" I used it in a pub this week, expecting a glass of their best bitter. The young, eager waiter presented me with a pint of what was presumably their best-selling lager. One of us is out of touch.

LOUISE Casey who heads the Government's "troubled families" unit, says that some problem families have too many children. Yet more fascinating facts from the Department of the Bleedin' Obvious.

IN COUNTRYFILE (BBC1), the lithe and lovely Julia Bradbury referred to the "unexpected hills" of Shropshire. This suggests she did about as much homework before visiting Shropshire as some of her BBC colleagues did before the Thames Jubilee Pageant.

Hills are unexpected in Shropshire in much the way that cream teas are unexpected in Devon and Yorkshire pudding takes you entirely by surprise in Ilkley.

THE truly inspirational thing about Bradley Wiggins, which ought to be studied by his hordes of Lycra-clad fans on British roads, is that he managed to win the Tour de France without once jumping a red light, scattering pedestrians on the pavements or coming up the inside lane and resting his sticky hand against your nice clean car.

I DO not follow The Archers (Radio 4) but caught a random snatch from the latest supposedly shocking storyline about assault, intimidation and livestock mutilation. The snag is that this everyday story of country psychos is governed by Auntie Beeb's language rules for daytime taste and decency. Which means there's a lot of bloomin' flippin' blighters doing flippin' bloomin' 'orrible things in Ambridge, but none of it even vaguely resembles real life or real language. I was reminded of Ben Elton's spoof version of Grange Hill when, dressed as a schoolkid, he looked into the camera and asked: "Why are we the only 14-year-olds who never say ****?"

MY frock coat has arrived for the Wedding of the Century. I tried it on wearing jeans, which is an interesting combination. I suddenly felt my name was Wyatt and I had a curious desire to strap on the Buntline special and mosey on down to the OK Corral. Yessir, frock coats are cool. I can't think why they went out of fashion.

THE Dean of St Albans, Jeffrey John, declares that not only is he in favour of gay marriage but God is, too. It seems a little unfair on us atheists that we are allowed only one opinion on such issues but the Dean is allowed two, by co-opting the Almighty into his lobby. In truth, God does not exactly have a good track record on gay-friendly policies (there was that particularly nasty business at Sodom and Gomorrah). So when Dr John says he is "out for marriage" and adds: "I'm sure God is, too," he is not referring to the traditional stern old, bearded chap on a cloud but to some hip, empathising, inclusive version of God he carries around in his head. If we are allowed to invoke the views of our imaginary friends on such an issue, may I declare here and now that not only am I opposed to same-sex marriages but so is the Tooth Fairy, the magic Cornish piskies and my childhood companion Albert who lived in a shoe box and made smells.

IT WAS bad timing that treasury minister David Gauke chose to thunder forth about how it is "morally wrong" to pay tradesmen in cash and avoid Vat the day after the Tax Justice Network reported that the world's richest people are hiding up to 30 trillion dollars in tax havens. We would have to prosecute half a million small-time tradesmen fiddling £2,000 a year on Vat to recover the same sum as the £1 billion salted away by a global-class tax evader. Hammer the Mr Bigs, Mr Gauke, and then we'll listen to your views on morality.

A PAL has had a new high-security front door installed. It is built around a steel frame and has three internal bolts, two chrome-steel hooks, one lock which can be double-locked with a key and another lock on a keyless catch. It cost a packet and is deeply impressive and probably 100 per cent burglar-proof. Sadly, it's such a faff to lock the damn thing that he tends to leave it open.

A READER makes the wise point that with so many beehives afflicted by virus and our dairy industry in crisis, England is no longer a land of milk and honey.