Will the Olympics leave us all fulfilled?

A round-up of the week's musings by Express & Star columnist Peter Rhodes.

PHONE-hacking. Interesting how the events of the past week have put that into perspective, isn't it?

A READER asks: "Why is it that when a white European fanatic bombs and kills he is called a lunatic but when a Muslim fanatic bombs and kills he is called a terrorist?

THE Norwegian authorities have so far failed to establish a link between the mass murderer Anders Behring Breivik and English far-right groups. That figures. Breivik needed neither advice nor company. Everything he needed to know to build a bomb is available on the internet and the essence of his bomb and shooting massacre was total secrecy. Why would he put his entire mission at risk by hob-nobbing with the sort of baying, knuckle-dragging bruisers we see on EDL marches?

"CUT NI and 50p Tax, Says Boris" was the Daily Telegraph headline on Boris Johnson's call for reductions in tax and National Insurance. A tip: when they don't take you seriously, they always call you by your first name.

IN HIS rant, Boris said high taxes prevented London from competing with Dubai in attracting entrepreneurs. Oh, pish and tosh, Boris.

Dubai has all sorts of other advantages over London, including Bangladeshi building labourers on £150 a month. Earlier this year, when some of these dirt-poor workers in Dubai asked for a wage rise, they were promptly deported. There are some places on this planet that we should never, ever try to compete with.

AS a fully paid-up Yorkshireman when it suits me, I have no problem with the discovery at Oxford University's School of Anthropology that the further north you go, the bigger your brain gets.

It is blindingly obvious that we Tykes are far cleverer than Southern softies. I daresay the average Glaswegian takes the same sniffy view of us North Country folk while Eskimos look down on us all.

However, in these PC times it is clearly unacceptable for anyone to claim that some humans may be brighter than others.

And so we are assured by the scientists that the only reason those furthest from the equator have bigger brains (and bigger eyes) is that they need the extra brain capacity to process information in dim light.

Interesting theory but, as any Finn will tell you, there is no shortage of bright light Oop North. They may have shorter days in the winter but their summer days are much longer than ours. Meanwhile, at the equator, it can be pretty damn gloomy in a rainforest.

My towering Yorkshire intellect tells me that dim-light / big brain theory doesn't stand up. We Northerners simply are cleverer (although, naturally, this does not apply to people from Lancashire).

BRITISH Gas is to be fined £2.5 million by the regulator Ofgem for failing to deal properly with complaints. Now, I wonder who'll end up paying that . . .

WITH a great fanfare the Government announces it is sweeping away loads of red tape and petty regulations. Really? One example of this revolution is that the age limit for buying Christmas crackers will be reduced from 16 to 12. So instead of kids having to convince the shopkeeper they are 16, they will now have to prove they are 12. Only in the bonkers world of Sir Humphrey can anyone see this as progress. Crackers, indeed.

THE bad news is that researchers have found that if you take a holiday in the United States you will return half a stone heavier. The good news is that the Yanks will still consider you painfully thin.

THE timing is perfect. Just as the schools break up, scientists announce that a parasite carried by some cats may be linked to brain cancer in humans. This is the time of year when legions of feckless cat owners dump their moggies in the countryside as they head off for a fortnight in the sun. Now they have an excuse. We gotta fink of the kids' health, innit?

TWENTY Twelve, the excellent spoof based on preparations for the 2012 Olympics, is having a repeat showing on BBC2. It is timely because the games are now just one year away. The Twenty Twelve team are an unhappy collection of headless chickens, bolstered by some amazing job descriptions. Hugh Bonneville plays the boss, Ian Fletcher who rejoices in the title of Head of Deliverance. The Twenty Twelve team would feel totally at home in the vast new Amazon warehouse in Rugeley, Staffordshire. It is not a warehouse. It is a fulfilment centre.

TALKING of 2012, when London landed that enormous white elephant, the Olympics, my advice was to sell it to Paris pretty damn quick. That way, the French would pick up the bill while our British Olympics squad enjoyed a foreign trip. This week the French newspaper Le Parisien reports that thousands of Olympic tourists will be staying in Paris and commuting to the Games. It boasts: "The English are having to pay out £9 billion up front, while we're profiting from it at no cost to us."

Exactement.