Best of Peter Rhodes - June 17

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

MY recent gag about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic (he lay awake wondering if there was a Dog) reminds a reader of the carelessly-made road sign near her home which indicated "The Samaritians." Beneath it some wag had scribbled: "For desperate dyslexics."

ANOTHER reader asks: "If the unbeliever was Welsh, would he be diagnostic?"

TALKING of religion, I see the aggressive Christians are out in my local shopping precinct again, warning us of hellfire and damnation unless we repent. Frankly, if heaven is going to be full of this self-righteous and occasionally startling bunch, I'll be happier in the other place.

IF YOU ever wondered what possible benefit England would gain from a high-speed train from Birmingham to London, with no stations in between, fret no more. It's not about England, it's all about Europe and the ongoing EU project to create the Greater Europe superstate. If you doubt that, consider the name of a meeting to be held at the EU headquarters in Brussels on July 12. It is entitled: "High-Speed Rail for territorial cohesion of EU."

Territorial cohesion, eh?

It is coming. Ein Reich, ein Volk, ein Railway.

YOU don't have to sound like Cheryl Cole to be misunderstood by Yanks. I have a friend who spent several minutes in a midwest bar trying to order coffee when the bartender thought he was asking for Coke. In similar vein a reader tells me how he ordered a beer and a tonic water in San Francisco. The beer duly arrived, plus a pile of 25 cent pieces.

"Where's the tonic water?" he asked

"Sorry," said the barman. "I thought you wanted 20 quarters."

INTERESTING development in the gravel saga. You may recall my run-in with the people who delivered £300 worth of gravel to the wrong place, offered me a refund when I complained, took the gravel away and then kept £141 of my money. If I had paid by cheque or debit card, that would have been the end of it. However, I paid on a Co-op Bank Visa card. Having heard of my plight, the Co-Op, gawd bless 'em, have now put the £141 back into my account and recovered it from the gravel people. It is now up to the trader to prove his case. I still worry that "terms and conditions" will triumph over natural justice but, who knows, a small victory for the consumer may be on the way. Watch this space.

THIS week marks the 50th anniversary of the birth of the Berlin Wall. It also stirs memories among those of us who ever rode from West Berlin to West Germany on the British Military Train. The train had its own Commanding Officer who took part in a fascinating little pantomime every time it reached the border. The British officer would be approached by an East German officer to do the paperwork. The Brit would turn away, pointedly ignoring the German, and insist on dealing with a Russian officer representing the occupying power. It was pure theatre and it happened every single day of the Cold War - and never once got a round of applause.

TELEVISION star of the week was undoubtedly Brann the raven on Springwatch (BBC2. ) In olden days these massive birds were commonplace and some, including Charles Dickens's companion, Grip, became much-loved pets and excellent talkers. Brann was far more entertaining and intelligent than your average chat-show guest.

THE magazine Psychology of Women Quarterly (I only buy it for the pin-ups) reports a study suggesting that chivalry isn't dead but has become a front for "benevolent sexism."

I am reminded of a feminist on the radio some years ago who declared that she liked men holding the door open for her - so long as they were genuinely helping and not trying to look at her bum. The very idea.

PEOPLE who cook with olive oil are 41 per cent less likely to suffer a stroke, claim researchers in France. Have you noticed how all the things that are claimed to make us healthier, including olive oil, red wine, salads, fruit and nuts, are found in the diets of richer people? Maybe the real secret of long life is money.

I LIT our multi-fuel stove a few days ago and was surprised when the back plate fell off, dumping a load of hot embers on the hearth.

The plate is fixed by a small cast-iron bar which had snapped. Curiously, an identical bar snapped about five years ago in the same stove, with the same result. So this time, blazing with public spiritedness, I emailed the manufacturer, suggesting this was a safety issue.

This is the maker's reply:"Whilst yours has clearly broken twice we are not aware of a repeated instance of this problem."

I emailed back: "If two breaks are not 'a repeated instance,' what is?"

They replied (with a fine disregard for grammar): "I have taken it seriously – I was simply explaining we have no record of this happening before and very few times once."

They didn't even ask to examine the broken item. However, the company brochure declares that all their stuff is "built and tested to the highest possible quality and safety standards."

So everything's all right, then.

NEXT week marks my annual total immersion in Beer (fishing village, Devon) for what I fear may be the 40th year in a row. I make no apologies. We love the place. Normal service with this column will resume the following week.