Best of Peter Rhodes - April 1

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

A ROCK fan asks, if a drummer makes a mistake, should there be repercussions?

A WEATHER-forecast company is predicting a barbecue summer. Our barbecue is still full of rainwater from the last one.

YOU fill in your Census form, lick the envelope, seal it and return it. And as one reader points out, you have not only supplied the authorities with all your personal details but have given them a DNA sample, too.

THE same reader suggests the Census form would be more popular if it had a small space where we could leave a personal message for our descendants, 100 years from now. He suggests: "Did you find the money under the floorboards?"

Wicked.

IT IS all very well Ed Miliband campaigning for AV (alternative vote) to be adopted for our elections. But he is up against some of his own MPs who cannot forget, or forgive, that they had an AV voting system for the party-leadership election - and it gave them Ed Miliband.

OUR changing language. "Progressive," as used by the boy Miliband. It means anything that isn't Tory.

"ZAY are so inexpensive!" enthuses Raymond Blanc (BBC2), describing his love of Asian ingredients in his menus. Well, his raw materials may be inexpensive when they arrive at his Manoir aux Quat' Saisons in Oxfordshire. But by the time the engaging French chef has worked his magic, mon dieu, market forces take over. At Le Manoir this week his Discovery dinners start at £135 per head.

NUMBER-crunching. Sum put aside for bankers' bonuses at Northern Rock - £13 million. Latest round of redundancies at Northern Rock - 680 jobs.

A READER found this statement on a notice board: "Any person using drugs on these premises will be reported to the Police and may be prosecuted." It was in a hospital waiting room.

I SUGGESTED earlier this week that in these days of risk-avoidance and compensation, you may be better off in a life-threatening situation if big, brave Joe Public comes to your rescue rather than the emergency services. In the barrage of fury from 999 workers that followed, this note from a fire officer bears repeating: "Our first priority is for the safety of the personnel we are responsible for as crew commanders of responding emergency services."

And how popular is this policy with the crews?

A firefighter with 27 years of service tells me: "Nowadays European and UK health and safety laws are completely undermining the instincts and the training we receive to become firefighters . . . This on many occasions puts us in a severe moral dilemma and we have to think long and hard before doing what would otherwise come naturally to most of us."

OVERHEARD (I am assured) in Bilston market last weekend:

"Don't forget to put the clocks forward tonight, Doris."

"I don't like this extra daylight, Ethel. It fades the bloody curtains quicker ''

MEANWHILE the bizarre international-news website UK4NET (where computers do the translating) is keeping readers up to date with plans for the Royal Wedding:

"A Queen's conduct cook has oral of his honour during carrying to emanate a menu for a marriage reception. After a use during Westminster Abbey, a Queen will horde a accepting for 600 guest from a assemblage during Buckingham Palace. In a evening, Prince Charles will horde a private cooking during a house for a newlyweds, and tighten friends and family." UK4NET also has a fascinating take on Prince Harry's Arctic trek with wounded servicemen: "The four bleeding soldiers have been training together for several months."

THE England manager Fabio Capello says he can communicate with his players using just 100 English words. So that's offside, alcohol, speeding, bail, super-injunction, er . . .

THE HEADLINES declare that Stacey Solomon is Mother of the Year. To be strictly accurate she is Foxy Bingo.com Celebrity Mum of the Year, which is not the same thing at all.

WHATEVER the summer brings, no-one can deny that 2011 has started as a most traditional year. Chaucer would have recognised the months instantly. January brought ice on the ponds, February "Fill-dyke" brought rains to fill the ditches and was followed by the "droughte of Marche." If this carries on, look out for the sweet showers of April, a flowery May and a flaming June. Some flaming hope.

REJOICE. There will be not one but two cakes at the Royal Wedding. (No, I still can't find anyone who gives a damn).