Best of Peter Rhodes - January 14

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

ANOTHER useful definition for our time. Vicar: person who talks in your sleep.

IN FULL middle-class, hand-wringing mode after this week's jailing of the teenage fire-extinguisher chucker, the writer Bel Mooney wails: "Will depriving irresponsible young show-off Edward Woollard of his liberty, education and future prospects stop a single protester from lashing out in the future?"

Yes, Bel, it might. One of the most frightening aspects of the trashing of the Tory HQ in November was how many of these virgin rioters thought they had a civil right to do it. They know better now.

HERE'S a challenging job – dreaming up new names for paints. The old days of sky blue, peach and magnolia have given way to a cornucopia of creativity. From the latest Crown brochure we have: Expectation, Smoulder, Fairy Dust and Cheeky Wink. The Dulux range includes: Almost Oyster, Intense Truffle, Lunar Falls and Timeless. Even the humble Focus own brand can't resist dabbling with meaningless colour concepts: Smudged, Placid, Sundaze and Spirit. After some discussion in the off-white section, Mrs Rhodes and I chose our new kitchen paint. It is Rice Pudding which, to tell the truth, is magnolia with a hint of hype.

ERIC Illsley, the MP who pleads guilty to fiddling £14,000 in expenses, is quitting as an MP. This saves us the spectacle of fellow MPs putting him under more pressure to go. Pity. It would have been fascinating to see who cast the first stone.

THE above biblical reference raises an interesting thought. If Britain had sharia law, how many politicians would be able to hold a pencil?

I AM a victim of scare-tactic advertising, anxiously getting my old VHS home videos transferred to DVDs, because of the claim that VHS tapes will fade and crumble. The reality is that the picture quality of our tapes, which are up up to 23 years old, is actually better than DVD. Even so, it has been a useful experience, if only to be reminded of how very trying it must be to be a toddler. Every time our one-year-old daughter came into shot, someone would start asking stupid questions. It must be bewildering to be surrounded by big, grinning people who endlessly want to know where's your nose, where is Daddy and what noise does a cat make.

GABRIELLE Giffords, a congresswoman with Jewish roots, is critically wounded by a gunman. Some commentators blame it on the inflammatory, gun-based language used by other politicians including Sarah ("Don't retreat - reload") Palin.

Palin responds by calling such accusations a "blood libel" against her. This is a thoroughly repellent term, describing the process by which Jews were persecuted in medieval times. Is "blood libel" a deliberate insult or a sign of pure ignorance? Palin is tipped as a future president.

WHILE our hearts go out to the people of flooded Brisbane, this disaster was hardly unexpected. The first recorded flood of the Brisbane River was in 1841 soon after the city was founded. This was followed by major floods in 1844,1864, 1887, 1889, 1890, 1893, 1907 and 1974. Brisbane is a flood waiting to happen and when they eventually rebuild the city, it might be an idea to put it somewhere else.

TWO nations divided by a common language? This headline from CNN appears to be a snow warning: "New storm could be do-over for New York City."

Eh?

HAVING pushed Nigel Pargetter off the roof, The Archers' bosses had to make the funeral arrangements. There was much heated discussion this week over whether his children, the 11-year-old twins, should be allowed to attend the ceremony, as grandma Jill suggested, or kept away, as their mother, Elizabeth wanted. Yes, I know it's not real but I found myself hoping Elizabeth would stand her ground. Funerals can be harrowing for kids, not merely because of the presence of a body but because of the visible distress suffered by adults. There was a time when even women tended to avoid funerals. Royal fact: Queen Victoria was so distraught that she stayed away from her beloved Albert's funeral in 1861.

INCIDENTALLY, the boffins have been analysing Nigel's surprisingly long terminal scream as he fell to his death from the roof of Lower Loxley Hall. It lasted for four seconds which apparently means the roof is 400 feet from the ground - 35 feet higher than St Paul's Cathedral. Maybe Auntie Beeb has been lying to us all these years and "Lower Loxley Hall" is actually a high-rise flat.

A GROCERY research firm claims that marmalade is falling out of fashion and Brits are developing a taste for chocolate and peanut butter. There is another explanation for these changing sales patterns. Britain is steadily being overrun by rats and mice. You'll never catch a rodent with marmalade but those revolting imports, peanut butter and chocolate spread, are two excellent baits. I suspect we are spreading the stuff not on toast but on Little Nippers.

SO the pubs will be allowed to stay open until 1am for two nights after the April 29 Royal Wedding. Yep, that's what this kingdom needs - more boozing.