Best of Peter Rhodes - October 15

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

AND yet more Swifties. From time to time, it pains me to report, some readers pinch gags from the internet. But a high proportion of these Swifties have been dreamed up by real people and some are fiendishly clever:

"It's the expurgated version," she cried, deluded

"I've killed another fatted calf,"he revealed

"Thank you for loaning me your lorry," he said, truculently.

PHIL Boreham, a lollipop man in Hull, made himself a small "thank you" sign to show to drivers who stopped for him. It hardly needs adding that council officials have banned it. The curious part is the reason they gave, that it breaks a regulation against distracting drivers. But what could be more distracting than someone dressed from head to toe in reflective yellow brandishing a large "stop" sign? The entire purpose of a lollipop man is to distract drivers, as the dictionary puts it, "to cause to turn away from the original focus of attention or interest." Saying thanks with a little sign is not a distraction but a rare manifestation of what we used to call common courtesy.

WHIILE one bunch of officials condemned Mr Boreham's "distraction" in Hull, another bunch in Walsall presumably approved the massive advertising hoarding by the M6 showing a half-naked couple in a sexy clinch.

Now, that's distraction.

THE phone packed up on Monday. It happens about once a year because the line to Chateau Rhodes comes across fields and hedgerows and BT seems incapable of doing a permanent repair. I reported the fault which involved dealing with a bright lady somewhere in India who sympathised enormously, fixed an engineer's appointment and then pleaded for me to confirm, for her records, that she had given "first-class number-one service today." The engineer was due to call on Wednesday afternoon. At 3pm BT rang to confirm he was on his way. He didn't show. Next day I checked the fault online and read the following: "An engineer arrived at the agreed time, however we were not able to gain access to your property." Yes, I know it's an old, old story. These days, couriers, repairmen, meter readers and even your local postie will claim to have called when they did no such thing. It is part of a modern business culture which regards telling the customer big, black, stinking porkies as perfectly acceptable practice. And what really offends is that when you complain and finally get through the automated phone system to a human being, he or she will apologise profusely and assure you that your custom is very important to them. Lying toads.

NODDING in the background as David Cameron locked horns with Ed Miliband at Prime Minister's Questions this week was the enormous bald figure of the Communities Secretary Eric Pickles. Pause for thought. Miliband is an atheist and Cameron proclaims "a sort of fairly classic Church of England faith". It is for others to decide whether God is on the side of David or Ed but you can't deny that Pickles does a fine impression of Buddha.

THE Chilean miners had not even popped up to the surface before the usual army of shrinks and counsellors was predicting the worst. If the fame and fortune did not rip the miners' lives apart, we were assured, then depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress would get them. Time will tell. But what monstrous arrogance it is to assume anyone can get inside the psyche of someone who has been raised in the unique ethnic melting pot of Chile, lived through its tortured history and chosen to work as a miner. The truth is we have absolutely no idea what has been going on in the heads of these 33 men, still less what might happen now. My guess (and it's only a guess) is that most of them will cope better than we would.

ANYONE else vaguely uneasy about the latest Harry and Paul (BBC2) character, Parking Pataweyo? He is a smiling, rather dim black traffic warden who is universally despised. The idea, according to one clever commentator, is to "expose racist attitudes". And who is to say this sort of material doesn't actually reinforce such attitudes?

OKAY, just a couple more:

"Can I go looking for the Grail again?" Lancelot requested.

"I unclogged the drain with a vacuum cleaner," said Tom, succinctly.

CUNARD'S new liner, Queen Elizabeth, weighs a massive 92,000 tons and cost its private owners £365 million. The Royal Navy's latest destroyer, HMS Daring, is a tiddling 7,350 tons yet cost us taxpayers £650 million. Go on, tell us it's value for money.

THERE are few great moments on radio these days but Sir Michael Parkinson's ruthless demolition of Richard Bacon on Radio 5 Live was a joy. Bacon (who is no substitute for the brilliant Simon Mayo) clearly thinks Russell Brand is wonderful. Parky growled that "I don't see the point of him." Bacon instantly leaped to Brand's defence, reminding us that the comedian has a Hollywood career. "So did Lassie," said Parkinson. "And he was a dog."