Best of Peter Rhodes - October 1

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

FIRST you selfishly wreck your brother's dreams. Then you deliver a speech to your Labour comrades which is flagged up by your spin-doctors as having "a tone of humility". Priceless.

ED Miliband declares that he is an optimist. David Cameron should invite him to visit the Treasury. Nothing cures optimism quite like a good look at the books.

A METAL thief in Walsall who tried to make his getaway on a horse and cart was prosecuted under the Town Police Clauses Act of 1847.

I couldn't resist reading it, and what a splendid bit of legislation it is. It's still in force but, sadly, not often enforced. If it were, what a better world this would be.

The Act was framed in Victorian England to deal with just about anyone causing any sort of nuisance from having a dangerous dog, to prostitution, cock-fighting, keeping an unruly coffee house or causing a chimney fire.

The long, long list of likely offenders includes:

*Every Person who beats or shakes any Carpet, Rug, or Mat (except Door Mats), beaten or shaken before the Hour of Eight in the Morning.

* Every Person who publicly offers for Sale or Distribution, or exhibits to public View, any profane, indecent, or obscene Book, Paper, Print, Drawing, Painting, or Representation, or sings any profane or obscene Song or Ballad, or uses any profane or obscene Language.

The great thing about the Town Police Clauses Act is its no-nonsense approach to punishment - a £2 fine or up to 14 days in jail for each conviction. In good Queen Victoria's day they didn't muck around with "community punishments".

DURING my misspent youth in the TA, I was privy to just two big secrets. The first involved a new radio system which, like the old one, was obsolete before it arrived. The second was a secret confided by a grizzled old officer when Mrs Thatcher took over in 1979. We were discussing the Army budget when, with the air of a Freemason betraying his lodge, he whispered glumly: "We always do better under Labour." I was reminded of him this week when a retired naval officer, Sir John Coward, recalled the words of a very senior civil servant: "In opposition the Labour Party will shout 'Ban the Bomb', and the Conservatives will say loudly that defence is 'safe only in their hands'. In power, the Labour leaders will turn into cloth-capped patriots and ask your advice, while the Tories will turn into monetarists, sweep you aside and cancel your ship orders."

"WE would ask people to always report incidents so we can take action" - Police spokesman as a judge refused to allow two bruised thugs to sue after resident Bruce Harwood used a catapult to disperse a gang of youths. And what is the best action the police could take in neighbourhoods driven to distraction by yobs? How about issuing every householder with a catapult?

THE Royal Society has re-written its guide to climate change, in order to stress the uncertainty of some global-warming forecasts. Climate change gets more like a religion every day. It has its own prophets and priests and even the occasional Judas. Now it's making room for Doubting Thomas.

A READER asks, if you don't pay your exorcist, will you be repossessed?

READING while sunbathing. Does it make you well red?

GERMANY will this weekend pay the final £60 million instalment on the billions it was ordered to pay in 1919 for starting the First World War. They think it's all over. It is now.

REJOICE. Our security services have allegedly foiled yet another terrorist plot, this time to seize hostages and murder them. According to the usual unnamed sources, al Qaeda planned attacks in London, Berlin and Paris but was thwarted by a series of missile attacks against known leaders in Pakistan. Or so we are told. But if British fanatics were seriously involved in such a plan, wouldn't the killing of their spiritual leaders make them more determined to strike? Once again we face the old paradox of a security service which insists Britain has hundreds of potential Islamic terrorists, coupled with a bewildering lack of terrorism. And we recall that the last "plot" to be foiled started off with an alleged conspiracy to kill the Pope and ended a few days later with six bemused street cleaners being released without charge.

THE charity Relate reports that mid-life crises are starting as early as 35. This may be a sign of increasing affluence. In the old days you were in your 50s before you could afford the Ray-Bans, the Harley Davidson and the designer skinny jeans. Now you can look a complete twerp much earlier.

DIDN'T you somehow guess that deputy Bank of England governor Charlie Bean, the one eagerly encouraging old folk to spend their savings, might live on a different planet from the rest of us? So it proves. Salary: £250,000. Estimated pension: £70,000. Different galaxy, more like.

FROM the latest rules on UK passports.

The photographs you supply with your application must:

* show you with a neutral expression and your mouth closed (no grinning, frowning or raised eyebrows)

*show your full head, without any head covering, unless you wear one for religious beliefs or medical reasons.

A reader asks: "Is it okay to wear a burka and laugh?"

OUR changing language. A new online video service aimed at us hacks has been developed to meet what the makers call "a growing media appetite for relevant, high-quality moving-image content on a global basis." Translation: we like watching telly in the office.

IT is, of course, a great and glorious thing to have the International Monetary Fund endorse your handling of the economy. You can almost hear David Cameron and Chancellor George Osborne purring with pleasure as the IMF says the UK economy is recovering and the Tory spending cuts are both credible and essential. And only a spoilsport would point out that the IMF, with all the facts, figures and forecasts at its disposal, utterly failed to predict the biggest financial crisis in living memory. IMF: It's Mighty Fallible.

EMMA Thompson is gradually acquiring the status of a national treasure but it's an awkward process, with two steps forward and one step back. She deserves to be heard on the subject of teenage language with all its grunting and y'knows and, well, like, innit. Sadly, this crusader for better English spoiled things just a tad by telling a group of schoolgirls that if they spoke badly "you're going to sound like a knob."

Oh, dear. What would Nanny McPhee make of that?

ON the issue of grammar, I missed his name but congratulations to the BBC sports reporter who referred this week to his schedule and, joy of joys, pronounced it correctly. The ugly American "skedule" has almost taken over.