Don't let the bed bugs bite

Columnist Peter Rhodes casts his satirical eye over a range of topics this week.

FROM a long, long list of computer viruses allegedly in the ether, I particularly enjoyed hearing about the Adam and Eve virus. Apparently it will take a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

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BED BUGS are back in a big way in the United States and some experts say a global pandemic is likely. So here, from an old lady who once lived in a Birmingham back-to-back, is a handy tip on how they got rid of the little biters in the old days. The sovereign remedy was to stoke up the fire in the affected room until it became unbearably hot. At a certain temperature, the bed bugs would leap off the beds, on to the walls and tunnel their way into the house next door. Look, I just pass this stuff on.

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SOME folk may have been astonished at the budgie-murders which preceded the Cornwall Budgerigar Society Show, but I am not among them. Club secretary Andrew Pooley found 21 of his birds stolen from their shed and his prize bird killed. He suspects a jealous rival. As well he may. In more than 40 years in this job I have only ever had one person screaming with rage down the phone at me for some imagined slight, and he was a budgie breeder. Never, ever underestimate the passion of a man for his hobby. Especially if it involves the power of life and death.

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INTERESTING chat this week with Squadron Leader Tony Pickering, one of the last of the "Few," the 3,000 RAF pilots who fought in the Battle of Britain 70 years ago. He made the point that although there was a shortage of Spitfire-ready pilots, there were thousands of young Brits who could fly, thanks to a pre-war scheme which paid bright lads two shillings a day to become pilots. "Politicians thought ahead in those days," the 90-year-old told me. Which raises a question. What should today's politicians be planning for? In my opinion, they should be looking at ways of avoiding the next Falklands War. You can cut this out and keep it.

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AN inquest found that 66-year-old diabetic Gillian Astbury died through "a gross failure to provide basic care" at Stafford Hospital. Some nurses said they had been too busy to check her condition. Answer me this. If nurses are too busy to check the blood-sugar levels of a diabetic patient, what are they doing? Does it in any way involve gossipping, looking busy with clipboards or eating chocolates?

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ON a media website this week I was referred to as a "veteran hack." That's how it goes. In the twinkling of time's eye you go from cub reporter to 'ard-nosed journo, to award-winning writer and then to veteran hack. Next stop is "grand old man of journalism," followed, hopefully many years later, by a cub reporter frantically trying to assemble an obituary on some bloke called Rhodes.

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ANOTHER reader has his doubts about dental hygienists. He reports: "The charge was £18. As I have only four of my own teeth left, I considered it a bit steep." He declined.

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MORE on the terms and conditions that blight our lives. A reader assures me that a student at Cambridge University, having studied ye ancient rules of the college, demanded his right (terms 'n' conditions, innit?) to be served with cakes and ale during an examination. After some haggling he settled for cola and hamburger and congratulated himself on playing the system. Three weeks later he was fined £5 for not wearing a sword to the examination.

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SAINSBURY'S is unleashing special wardens at 400 branches to crack down on customers who wrongly use the disabled and family-bay parking spaces. And when will they crack down on those Mr Beans who, when you have parked in splendid isolation in an empty store car park, drive up and park right next to you?

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IT is deeply shocking that a police officer threw 59-year-old Pamela Somerville so roughly into a cell that she suffered an eye injury and was left on the floor with blood pouring from the wound. Mind you, it is also surprising that anyone can make it to 59 in this country and still cherish the belief (as Miss Somerville described her views before the attack) that British police are wonderful.

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"Well, really!" came the indignant little outburst from the lady behind me in the queue as I paid for some curtains at a store. Had I trodden on her foot, jumped the queue or grabbed the very curtains she had set her heart upon? No. My sin was to cover the credit-card scanner with my hand to conceal my Pin number from prying eyes. She was upset that I appeared to regard her as a crook. Once again, technology outstrips etiquette.

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TALKING of which, when did it become socially acceptable to have a conversation while seated on the loo? There is nothing quite so disturbing as a gruff voice from the adjacent stall as the occupant announces he has just reached his monthly sales target.

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ACTUALLY, there is. It is when you hear the single word "Hello. . . " from the WC user next door and you reply "Hello" in a friendly sort of way, before you realise he is on the phone. Just run.

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AFTER last week's item on hi-tech spinal repairs involving cement, a reader assures me his pal had the soft cartilage pads in his spine replaced by sealed capsules of mercury. The only problem is that in summer he's nearly 10 feet tall and in winter they have to carry him around in a bucket.

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MONKEYPOX. It's in Africa. It's the next thing to worry about. You read it here first.

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MANY thanks for your favourite oxymorons, those little self-contradicting phrases. The latest haul includes:

* Honourable Member of Parliament

* Customer Service

* Domestic Bliss

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ACCORDING to Halfords, hundreds of British motorists have been stopped and fined by French police recently for not carrying a high-visibility jacket in their car. One particularly easy nick for the gendarmes is Les Anglais who have thoughtfully packed a hi-viz jacket in the boot. The law says it must be stored in the passenger compartment. That'll be 90 euros, merci.

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OUR changing language: "We must remember that there have been lots of fewer jobs lately." BBC interviewer.