Best of Peter Rhodes - July 16

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

A READER writes to complain that his local GP practice is full of doctors from Athens who are all writing novels. Apparently they are Greek author docs.

IF you want a fine example of that old expression "spitting in the wind," look no further than Lord Judge, the Lord Chief Justice, who says jurors should be warned not to consult the internet over cases they are hearing. Oh, please. What sort of person could resist the temptation to Google the defendant's name and find out exactly what sort of record he has? These days, all the world's knowledge is the click of a mouse away. No stern words from someone in a red robe and wig can weaken the awesome power of the search engine.

DAVID Cameron says there should be no sympathy for gunman Raoul Moat and we all know he's right. The problem is that "we" are not the only people living on this little island. There is also "them," a sizeable and resentful underclass cut off from the prosperity of our nation who hate the system, dislike education, despise the cops and regard drug dealers as great blokes who bring them moments of glorious oblivion. For this underclass, whose leisure pursuits include shoplifting, getting legless and chucking bricks at fire engines, anyone who takes a pop at the cops and who is denounced by politicians and the media can't be all bad. Something similar happened in America in the 1930s (remember Bonnie and Clyde?) when banks collapsed, millions were left jobless and all trust in the police and government evaporated. The hit song Big Rock Candy Mountain ("where the cops have wooden legs") is a celebration of criminal life and drunkenness. A dirt-poor hobo from Tennessee 1935 would instantly recognise the adulation, 75 years later, of Raoul Moat on the sink estates of northern England. Adulation of criminals is nothing new and is usually an indicator of a society in deep trouble. America in the 1930s was saved by the New Deal. We're still waiting for ours.

THIS must be an old missive doing the rounds but it made me smile: "In order to restore some confidence to the England football squad, Fabio Capello has arranged an early friendly against a team from Iceland. If this goes well he will arrange further games against Tesco, Morrisons and Aldi."

THE unveiling of Taranis, the Ministry of Defence's prototype unmanned combat air vehicle, must send shudders of alarm through the highly trained ranks of the RAF. How long before the spellbinding precision of a Red Arrows display is created by some spotty geek on a computer and inputted into the flight controls of half a dozen scarlet Taranis fighters, to thrill the crowds without a pilot in sight?

PHILIP Coates of Barnsley has become the first person to be prosecuted for riding a Segway, one of those curious American people-movers, on a pavement. Good to see the police taking pedestrian safety so seriously. However, what about the cyclists who tear up and down our pavements with impunity? Rule 64 of the Highway Code states very clearly: "You MUST NOT cycle on a pavement" but the rule is broken thousands of times a day. When did you last see a copper intervene?

THIS reminds me of the joyous experience, a few days ago, of seeing a particularly aggressive cyclist (vein-hugging lycra, self-important snarl, spitting etc) having a puncture. Such language.

DECISION time. Who deserves more sympathy this week, the drunken Australian Michael ("Crocodile Dumb-dee") Newman who tried to ride a huge crocodile and was duly bitten, or the nine twerps injured in Spain's annual display of animal cruelty, the Running of the Bulls at Pamplona. Tricky, eh?

SHOCK, horror. More than a third of cars are failing their annual MoT test. The AA warns darkly of "a motoring underclass who are driving cars with crumbling tyres and brakes." Then again, it might be that recent changes in the rules force garages to fail cars for the stupidest of reasons. Saddest case from a bulging internet chatroom is a driver whose car was failed because its number plate did not have the postcode of the supplying dealer on it. Death trap, innit?

LORD Mandelson reveals that Tony Blair thought Gordon Brown was "mad, bad, dangerous and beyond hope of redemption." Can this be the same Peter Mandelson who, only a few weeks ago, was urging us all to vote for Brown?

MAYBE because I'm off to Wales tomorrow, this letter from a reader caught my eye. It concerns two English trippers who were driving through Anglesey and stopped at the celebrated village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch for lunch.

"Before we order," one of them told the waitress, "I wonder if you could pronounce the name of this place for us, very slowly."

She replied: "Burrr-Gurrr-King"

THE reader who sent this one at least had the decency to start his email by apologising. Apparently he banged his head and tried the old remedy of rubbing margarine into the bump The next morning there was no improvement. He tells me: "I can't believe it's not better."

FROM a mediocre assortment of summertime repeats, one little television gem. In an old edition of QI (Dave), the American comedian Rich Hall was asked for the correct name for a group of baboons. Quick as a flash he said: "Pentagon."