Best of Peter Rhodes - May 14

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

THE first example of coalition spin? The radio interviewee reminding us that 20 per cent VAT is "about the norm" in Europe. You can see where this is leading.

A READER is surprised by the address of a club official in Birmingham and wonders if we hacks live in terror of a misprint. No, sir . We are always very, very careful when dealing with Sarehole Road.

WHAT is that noise in the background whenever politicians appears in public? It is that peculiarly London thing, the megaphone brigade. Its footsoldiers are loud, rude and usually female and you cannot escape them. Turn any corner within a mile of Whitehall and they are there, little women with big megaphones, listing their demands and screaming their poison. Wadda we want? A little hush. When do we want it? Now, you silly person.

IF the megaphone brigade is infuriating, the Look-at-Me loonies are just plain sad. You have probably seen them on your TV screen, popping up behind Huw Edwards or Kay Burley, one hand clutching their mobile phone, the other waving. What they are saying into the phone is: "Hey, can you see me, mate? I'm just behind that Welsh bloke from the BBC. See me? I'm the one in the red anorak. I'm waving. Can you see me? Can you? Please see me, somebody . . . "

AND now, those dramatic opening words from the first coalition Cabinet meeting which somehow set the tone for the relationship:

"Put that kettle on, Nick."

NOTICE that hand-on-back body language between Dave 'n' Nick? It's a male power thing. The aim is to make sure the other bloke goes through the door first. You then place your open palm on his back. At Downing Street, Dave touched Nick's back but, just as they slipped into Number 10, Nick touched Dave's back. Fascinating

John Lawson's Circus is touring the land and offering something a little different - therapy for people with a phobia of clowns. Kakehole, one of the circus's clowns says: "We are offering special counselling - or rather clowncelling."

You see the problem ? While some people may have a genuine phobia, most of us are simply puzzled. We do not understand why clowns think clowns are hilarious when all the evidence suggests they are about as funny as a verruca.

LESS than 24 hours after the Dave-Nick love-in at Downing Street, the BBC referred to "the deficit left behind by Labour." Good old Auntie. Off with the red clothes, on with the blue.

A READER rang to say he knew Labour was on the way out when Margaret Beckett started losing her looks. Shame on you, sir.

MIND you, I had a male-chauvinist frisson this week. I have always taken an interest in the career of Selina Scott because she and I were born on the same day, May 13, 1951. Until now, the years have been rather kinder to her. Such is life. Men go grey and lose their hair but women - and particularly celebrity women - fight it all the way. So while I and my male contemporaries turned into fiftysomething slap-heads with hairy ears, the divine Selina was a vision of blonde loveliness, looking 10 years younger. On May 13, Selina and I both turned 59. I see with delight from her latest portrait that she is now considerably wrinklier than me. Hang on in there, chaps. Given time, life gets fairer and the ageing process favours us blokes.

WIN McMurry is a golf commentator in the States who intended to tell her viewers that Tiger Woods' back problem was "a bulging disc." Unfortunately "disc" came out as "dick" and Ms McMurry has become something of a national hero.

HIGH-frequency ultrasound prevents men from producing sperm. The latest theory, from scientists in North Carolina, is that a blast of ultrasound up your Y-fronts every six months could act as a male contraceptive. Frankly, I foresee a little customer resistance as the Knacker Neuter Ultrablaster (patent applied for) is pointed at one's nether regions and the doctor promises: "You won't feel a thing, honest" while dashing smartly for the surgery door.

ANOTHER unlikely cross-bred dog is the collie which, when crossed with a Lhasa Apso, produces the world's first foldaway dog, the Collapso.

THE film Bright Star (2009), telling the tale of John Keats and his lover Fanny Brawne, is set in 1818 and, from the opening moments, something jars. Everyone greets each other with "hello." Something in our race memory tells us people didn't say "hello" back then. Sure enough, as explained in The Unbelievable Truth (Radio 4) this week, "hello" was originally an expression of surprise. "Hello" in its modern sense first appeared in the 1830s. It was adopted as a telephone greeting by Thomas Edison in about 1877. If Edison's idea had not caught on, we would probably answer the phone with the word favoured by the inventor of the telephone, Alexander Graham Bell: "Ahoy!"

I KNOW what you are thinking. Right here, right now, let's all start answering the phone with "Ahoy!"