Best of Peter Rhodes - May 7

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

THIS could run and run. I have been sent a list of unlikely cross-bred dogs. A Pekinese crossed with a Lhasa Apso produces a Peekasso, the world's first abstract dog.

A READER offers a solution to the privacy row over full-body security scanners at airports. It is a remote, sandbagged booth which would not only detect hidden explosives but detonate them. This would eliminate the need for a long and expensive trial and also generate income for the airlines: "Attention, standby passengers. We suddenly have a seat available on our New York flight . . . "

THE opium crop in Afghanistan which finances the Taliban has been hit by a mysterious blight. Some farmers are blaming Britain and the US. This charge has been officially denied, which is a pity. Between us, we and the Yanks have enough expertise in genetically modified crops to turn every Afghan poppy into a cauliflower. If we are not doing it, then we damn well should be. The argument against killing the poppies has always been that it would alienate ordinary Afghans. Oh, please. A recent television report showed British bomb-disposal experts heroically clearing land mines from a road. The locals knew exactly where the mines were and were cheerfully driving around them. How much more alienated could they be?

TERRY Pratchett may be in the early stages of Alzheimer's but he can still spot codswallop at a thousand light years. The creators of Doctor Who are very precious about their scripts but Pratchett, creator of the inspired Discworld, condemns the writing with a vengeance. In the sci-fi magazine SFX he says he finds Doctor Who entertaining but describes the science as "pixel thin." He complains about all those improbably happy endings brought about by "the unexpected, unadvertised solution which kisses it all better." He is right. Where is the need to create a credible storyline when you know that at any moment the Doctor can wave his sonic screwdriver or yell: "Recalibrate the gyroscopic warp-stabilisers!" or some such gibberish, and all will be mended?

AN art gallery in Birmingham is under fire for displaying rubbish. Since I Fell For You, by Susan Collis, is an assortment of objects including discarded nails, a laundry bag and an old bucket. I am reminded of the time the Rhodes Family, feeling in need of a little culture, wandered into a gallery in Dundee. It had all sorts of art, including Gillian Wearing's celebrated 60 Minutes Silence, an hour-long video of fidgeting police officers posing for a group photo. After a while we wandered into another room to find a hosepipe draped over a load of folding chairs. Was it art? Or was it just a messy room? We were too timid to ask and never found out.

COMETH the austerity, cometh the car. The Lada, the people's car of the Soviet Union, will be on sale in debt-racked Britain next year after a 13-year absence. Needless to say, the old Lada jokes have already arrived:

*What do you call a Lada driver with a speeding ticket? A fantasist.

* How can you double the value of a Lada? Fill the tank.

* What do you call a convertible Lada? A skip.

Don't laugh. Before long, we may all be driving them.

THE wildlife group Pond Conservation is carrying out a nationwide audit of the health of Britain's ponds. They call it a tad poll.

THE trouble with some atheists is they think they have a God-given right to spread their non-beliefs. Those of us on the don't-give-a-toss wing of atheism accept that we live in a Christian culture with all the rituals that entails, including bloody bell ringing. The extreme branch of atheism takes a much sterner view. The zealots of the National Secular Society (NSS) have this week instructed lawyers to take Bideford Council in North Devon to court for a judicial review of the ancient practice of starting council meetings with prayers. If the case succeeds, prayers before debate would be declared illegal. And who precisely would benefit from that? Devout Christians would be needlessly hurt. Most unbelievers would feel distinctly uncomfortable about forcing their views on others. The NSS might emerge from this case with a holier-than-thou glow but that's not what atheism is meant to be about, is it?

THE new John Lewis TV ad in which a woman ages from birth to pensionerhood, to the strains of Billy Joel's She's Always a Woman, is being hailed as a classic, telling a tale and selling a brand in just 90 tear-jerking seconds. I think it offers two important lessons:

* Do not open a freezer door. You will instantly become pregnant.

* Avoid walking by hedges. You will put on 20 years in five seconds

CLOSER magazine tells the story this week of Lee Houghton, unemployed since 1999, who is raising his family on £20,000 state benefits a year, much of which goes on booze. But before we write him off as a drunken waster, Mr Houghton assures us that he suffers from a medical condition which is relieved by a daily bottle of Jack Daniels and a few cans of cider. He says: "Drinking helps me cope with my personality disorder. I would work if I could but I'm too ill." Come the revolution, chummy. . . .

A READER makes this interesting point: "The news about Greece being bankrupt is extremely worrying. Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't that country host the Olympics a few years ago?"

MAUD de Boer-Buquicchio, deputy secretary-general of the Council of Europe, says Brits should stop smacking their children. In support of this she tells us that 28 European countries think a smacking ban is a good idea. Then again, lots of European countries thought it was a good idea to let Greece join the euro.

IN her anti-smacking rant, Maud invokes the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child. This declares: "Governments should ensure that children are properly cared for and protect them from violence, abuse and neglect by their parents, or anyone else who looks after them." Anyone who thinks that slapping a toddler on the legs for braining her sister with a plastic hammer is "violence" really ought to get out more.

LITTLE by little, speed limits on rural road throughout Britain are being lowered. I have no problem with that. It has always struck me as odd that you can turn off a 50mph dual carriageway on to a narrow country lane where 60mph is permitted. But where do they find the great brains who decide where a limit should begin and end? On my nightly drive home, the new 50mph limit becomes 60mph at the bottom of a hill, half-way around a blind bend. Job creation for paramedics?