Best of Peter Rhodes - April 2

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

THE machines are taking over. A writer to the Times emails his comments on the news report of countryside birds taking over urban gardens: "Last winter I was seeing long-tailed (the machine won't let me name this type of bird, but guess) and goldcrests."

THE machines are taking over (continued). After the problem described above, a colleague tells me of his encounter with an internet forum. When he jovially typed the phrase "Don't snigger at the back," it mysteriously appeared online as "Don't s****** at the back."

THE Association of Teachers and Lecturers says that boys who are failing in school need to be taught the "real superstars of society" are hard-working people in ordinary jobs. I wish them well. At the heart of today's youth culture is the belief that you can be anything you want and that as soon as you walk out of the school gates with no GCSE's, you'll become a foootballer, actor, male model or City whizzkid. These are the images endlessly hyped by the media. Think of a role model and you automatically think of a millionaire. Of course, the real heroes are ordinary hard-working blokes. But I cannot think of a society which has successfully promoted them as role models. Apart, of course, from the Soviet Union, Red China and Cuba where the noble peasant is hailed as a hero because he builds lots of tractors, picks lots of rice and is too dim to ask awkward questions.

OUR changing language. Lacunae is Latin for empty spaces. "Statistical lacunae" is the term used by a Westminster committee this week to describe the claims in 60 per cent of Home Office press releases. Or, as we used to call them, whoppers.

THE case of the pet-shop owner in Manchester, fined £1,000 and ordered to wear an electronic curfew tag for selling a goldfish to a 14-year-old, is par for the course in the modern world of council officials and the magistracy. The tendency of self-important people to hammer their fellow citizens with ludicrous prosecutions and enormous fines appears to know no bounds. The council's "Head of Public Protection" (where do they dream up these titles?) in the goldfish case declares: "Let this conviction send out a message that we will not tolerate those who cause unnecessary suffering to animals."

I bet the goldfish are sleeping soundly tonight.

MEANWHILE, what happens when a charity finds case after case of the most revolting and deliberate cruelty to animals? Simple. It starts making excuses. The Brooke animal charity cares for overworked donkeys in the developing world but steadfastly refuses to blame the owners. In its TV ads The Brooke assures us that when donkey owners slit the animals' noses or brand them with red-hot irons, "the owner isn't cruel, just poor and misinformed." Time, I fancy, to set up a new charity, Brooke No Nonsense. On the first call-out, this charity will patch up the poor little donkey. On the second call-out, the Brooke No Nonsense lads will take the owner behind the nearest pyramid and kick seven bells out of him. Sorted.

AND isn't it a shame that the officials who so ferociously defend the rights of goldfish in Manchester are not in charge of preventing children being beaten to death in Wolverhampton?

THE reason the wicked media paid so much attention to Tony Blair's tan when he spoke at Sedgefield this week is very simple. You do not get a tan like that by dashing from job to job in the tropics. You only get that colour by sunbathing. Blair's tan is the pumpkin-caramel complexion of the serial relaxer, the man with too much time on his hands and far too much money in the bank. When Gordon Brown thunders about his concerns for "hard-working people," they are not the same colour as Tony Blair.

DEVON & Cornwall Police have been sending community support officers into unlocked houses to find valuable items which are then left in a swag bag for the shocked residents to find. This jolly jape is intended to make people more aware of burglars. And what if one of these PCSOs strolls in and is then accused, rightly or wrongly, of stealing something? The old rules, which allow cops to enter your home only with a warrant, are designed to protect them as well as us.

THE drilling teams have found no oil around the Falklands. Mind you, the Falklanders used to produce their own high-quality oil by a very simple method. Take one large iron pot, fill with water and bring to the boil. Take 500 adorable little penguins and, well, you can probably guess the rest.

HOLD the death tax. It was hardly an election winner, was it? The Government has confirmed that the compulsory levy on all estates to pay for health care for the elderly will not happen in the life of the next government. This will ring a bell with students everywhere. Labour's election manifesto in 2001 included the words: "We have no plans to introduce University top-up fees, and have legislated to prevent their introduction." When top-up fees were duly imposed, Labour explained that the manifesto commitments applied only to the 2001 - 2005 Parliament. Sneaky, So when Chancellor Darling says there will be no death tax before 2015, what he's actually saying is that the death tax will begin in 2015. It will be levied in addition to inheritance tax. I have told you before and I tell you again. Buy the Bentley now.

MORE wisdom from military training manuals:

* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire

* If the enemy is in range, so are you

* If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him

TO the reader who submitted the joke about the little Irish boy and the priest, with the challenge "I dare you to publish this!" You win.