Best of Peter Rhodes - March 12

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

A READER passes on the useful information that William Tell and his family were keen cricketers. Sadly, all the Swiss cricket records were destroyed in a fire. So ask not for whom the Tells bowled.

IF YOU need an illustration of how wearily immune we have become to the ways of politicians, this was the week when MPs awarded themselves a £1,000 pay rise and then imposed a pay freeze on doctors. Is anyone surprised? Does anyone care?

IT WOULD have been astonishing if some of the money raised for Africa by Live Aid had not been nicked by warlords, dictators or guerillas. It's a corrupt old continent. You only have to see the sacks of food-aid rice on sale in local markets to understand how big and blatant the problem is. BBC World Service reports a claim by a former rebel commander that most of the Live Aid money was siphoned off. Bob Geldof, who organised the event in the 1980s, rages against the "systemic failure" of the World Service and demands the sacking of two BBC executives. In rather more measured terms, the BBC's Rageh Omaar, who I suspect knows rather more about the Third World than Sir Bob, says: "Humanitarian operations in the midst of large-scale civil wars where territory is held by rival powers are almost always politicised and misused." This has the ring of truth. Like millions of others, I gave to Live Aid. I never expected all my money to get to the right places but it is better to light a candle than curse the dark.

THIS "Shirt of Hurt" campaign is bizarre. Danny Baker is persuading football fans to wear the shirts of their deadliest rivals to raise money for Sport Aid. The irony is that while some fans would rather die than wear another team's strip, the Premiership players they adore will gladly put on the shirt of the highest bidder. The unshakable loyalty of football fans to teams made up of some of the most disloyal sportsmen in the world is an enduring mystery of the game.

THE high-speed rail link from London to Birmingham, unveiled yesterday, will hit 250mph, just like the French TGV. Well, whoopee. Let me tell you how it was in the 1960s when you climbed aboard the train in a chilly, misty Paris station and slept through the night . You awoke the next morning in Avignon with the Provence sun flickering through the poplars while the air hung heavy with blossom and the meadows echoed to the chirp of a million cicadas. It was another world. These days the TGV has reduced this magical trek to a blistering two hours 40 minutes and if that's progress, I'm Molière. Stuff the fast train. Bring back the slow train.

HOLLAND is worried that it may not be bumping off enough sick people. Over there, euthanasia is legal to relieve unbearable suffering but some campaigners want to go further. Under a plan to be debated by the Dutch parliament this summer, anyone over 70 who "considers their life complete" and wishes to die could request the needle. In November 1997 I wrote this: 'Once the mercy-killers get the go-ahead, the definition of "extreme terminal pain and distress" will soon come to mean anyone over 65 feeling a bit peaky.' Little by little, jab by jab, we are getting there.

"THE price for having a Home Secretary who was once a postman." Roy Hattersley, explaining Alan Johnson's enthusiasm for controls on dog ownership.

A READER sends a selection of Yorkshire jokes. Enjoy them while they are still legal.

Yorkshireman to vet: "Ayup, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've brought it with me."

THIS tale reminded a reader of that wonderful little book Teach Thissen Tyke. Published in 1971 and co-written by Austin Mitchell, now the Labour MP, the book explains the dialect of God's Country. For example: "Shintin" (the lady is not at home).

YESTERDAY, as the Association of Graduate Recruiters was raging against "devalued degrees," Staffordshire University was still cheerfully peddling its controversial course in Celebrity Journalism. According to the university's own website the course is introduced by "Professor Ellis Casmore". The learned professor is actually called Cashmore. Bodes well, dunnit?

I REFERRED last week to research in Australia where scientists observed male skateboarders showing off to females. In response, an incandescent skateboarder emails to accuse me of making an idiot of myself by writing about a sport of which I know nothing. He suggests I might do better if I " ventured down to your local skatepark and watched how talented some of these guys are". So that's a middle-aged bloke hanging around a park, observing the lithe, young skateboarders? What could possibly go wrong?

DOES anyone else suspect a Conservative Party conspiracy to lose the General Election? Newspapers which normally support the Tories are either carrying stories about Cameron's wife voting Labour or commissioning polls which show the Tories in dire straits. Meanwhile, Tory leaders allege Labour is leaving a "scorched earth" legacy, committing any incoming government to massive spending. Pundits wonder why the Tories are not attacking the Government's record with more venom. Can it be that the economy is such a stinking, poisoned chalice that no-one wants it?

ON A country ramble we discovered a pair of slimmer briefs abandoned in a layby. Mrs Rhodes said someone had obviously lost control.